Friday, August 14, 2009

a dose of some friday spice.

Have I mentioned how much I love waking up (okay, reluctantly dragging my sleepy ass outta bed when I had finally became conscious enough to see it was already 7:51am) only to rush my getting-all-dolled-up-for-work-and-the-day routine and race into work (which included going 15mph, at least, over the speed limit on the main roads, for the record), only to get a call from my boss two minutes before I'm supposed to open up shop and welcome in business. It went a little something like this:
"Hey, uh.. Court? I am SO sorry, but..."

*in my best attempted it's-10-o'clock-on-a-friday-morning-but-I'm-just-gonna-pretend-as-though-I-got-out-of-bed-by-choice act* "Goooood mornin' buttercup, what's up. You wouldn't be calling me before noon if something wasn't up."

"...you got me. I'm assuming you're already starting to open up but do you think... would you mind coming back at three or four and working all night?"

*long pause* "Jax..." [except it was in my sarcastic, over-exaggerated tone of voice and not my bitchy employee one]

"I know, I know, just work with me, [insert boss's husband's name here] just got called in and I have no one to watch the kids and..."

"Oh, get your butt in here. Oh, and you owe me one."

And that's how my morning got started. Not to mention a mere three minutes later I looked down to see my phone vibrating and picked it up only to be welcomed with a: "You like white chocolate lattes, right?" My disorganized and involuntary boss at it again, and this time determined to redeem herself at least. Psh, working over employees with their favorite morning snack, is that even legal? An utter waste of 7 miles of gas and one hot coffee fix later, and I was one tired/moody/delighted girl. At least I got a nice and hot caffeinated apology out of it, right? (I also failed to mention that she conveniently managed to time her call when I was already 95% of the way through opening up the shop. Extra brownie points for me for not screaming in frusteration and going with the flow instead?)

On a separate note, TGIF, and I cannot say that any louder/type that any more noticeable. Ah, there's just something about that distinct feeling of waking up and having the first thought pop in your mind be that it's the last day of the week I have to use an alarm. On the brightside, and I should buying my boss's ass coffee for this one since she's to blame, the clock has yet to strike noon and I'm up and ready to take on the day - dressed, fed, sitting down to blog my morning away with my coffee fix in hand, and even almost awake. It's going to be a good day, ladies, so my instinct says at least. My schedule calls for me to go in again by 3, and if business is as slow as it is half the time, that just means I'll have another five hours to blog my life away. And find a minute to sweep in there, of course.

What about you guys, stuck with the getting-weekend-plans-in-order-while-procrastinating-at-work syndrome yet? Any exciting details or stories in your day so far? I'm in the best and yet most chill/relaxed mood ever, and happy hour hasn't even hit so I'm convinced, and crossing my fingers, that today's just going to be one of those allday good-mooders, and for your sake, hopefully it's contagious. Chances are ya'll will hearing from me continuously throughout the day seeing as work is currently SLOW and wonderful and not too demanding these days, but if not, make it a fantastic weekend and be ready to get your lovely selves back here come Monday with some worthwhile and entertaining stories/awkward moments/juicy girltalk we can all soak up, and knowing me, relate to.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

the W-word.

Reasons Why I Love Wednesday Mornings Even More So:

#1. Because today I have a 99% higher chance of adopting the title as a certified barista than yesterday. Yes, you heard me right, the interview went smoothly and FANTASTIC, and *fingers still crossed* as, naturally, I don’t know the verdict yet, but let’s just say damn, I’m good. I mean, let’s get real here, not everyone can turn their stress and anxiety into positive energy and have it benefit themselves in the long run. Oh, and that strong fix of coffee earlier in the AM today didn’t hurt too much either. I’m not going to lie though, I wouldn’t mind coming home with coffee stains on my dark wash People Liberations and cute white tops every once in a while. That or proudly jotting down “Barista” on myspace surveys when asked about my job.

#2. Because Wednesdays happen to always be the days where my conscious favors my extreme (and probably unhealthy) coffee addiction over my extreme-but-apparently-more-mild-than-love-for-coffee desire for weight loss (okay, not so much weight loss as my desperate longing for my abs to finally peek through!) and I give in and treat myself to stopping at the local espresso stand. And not just any local espresso stand, but my favorite one of the three hundred million in the same five-mile perimeter of my house. One “16oz. iced white chocolate Americano with nonfat milk instead of water, double shot please” and one hell of a mood lifter and energy boost that goes hand in hand coming right up. And when I say it’s my favorite all across town, don’t you think I don’t have my reasons.

Starbucks is my high-maintenance (hello, over $3 for something that‘s going to last me a mere two hours and I‘ll pee out by dinnertime? There goes my new car/college funds…) once-a-week indulgence and I’ll only throw a mini-internal temper tantrum when I have to settle for any other ‘Coffee Bean’ or ‘Caféista’ or some other generic, but entertaining, attempt at a creative espresso-inspired name. But in order to qualify as favorite in my book, you have to: be close (face it, girls, I’m not faithful enough customer to agree to throw away more money in gas to GET to it than what my actual drink alone costs). Be not-semi-but-very affordable (see above for evidence that I’m not made out of money, and finding ones in my push-up bra every once in a while is an exception, gotta love the perks of having a goofy boyfriend?). The girls must be wearing clothes; just for the record, I’m giving you business for my own pleasure, and that unfortunately doesn’t include anything to do with wanting other straight girls giving me a show in their lacy thongs and X-rated lingerie. I don’t want to see your boobs anymore than your grandmother, get over it you damn hoochie! And to finalize the list, you gotta be a straight up fun and upbeat environment. Oh, and make damn good coffee. And in following my strict rubric, you’ll get those beautiful green George Washingtons in your tip jar/cup and you will make your boss happy. And as of now, only one has done so, and thus I am faithfully committed to it for my every-other-daily caffeine fixes from there and there only.

I also have this habit of taking my time when I stop. You see, more than a good 78% of the girls who work there would qualify as “friends” of mine (or life companions in a more logical sense, because none of my real ‘friends’ even offer to bow down and serve my ass and whip up coffee for my delight), and as the interested-in-people person I am [on good days], it’s only natural for me to ask ‘em how their days are going, politely comment on the weather and the latest gossip in politics and US Weekly, are you hiring yet?, etc. And their life story, if I’m in the mood. I’m not categorized as the generic friendly, but I do love spending the time to get to know someone if I think they’re worthy in my book. And seeing as I adore each and every one of my usual baristas, I go forth and do my thing. Once, I even spent a good 20 minutes or so with my car in park as the girl who was working and I covered bases from feng shui’ing the bedroom I had newly moved into to what we thought of ‘s death, to our mutual recently-founded reputations as Food Network junkies and our secret desire to learn how to cook without seeing black when you reach into the oven for the final product. I really wish I was kidding, too. Hey, we all have our quirks/flaws/stories, right? Needless to say, it makes my day, and preferably Wednesday, when I drop on by the stand for my mid-afternoon coffee run and see what’s new with my women. Except I’ve learned the hard way, by a rude streams of honking in attempt to scoot my ass out of the line so everyone can get their drinks. So I’m female, I have a lot to say. Apparently they don’t like that. I’m good at picking my cues (except you wouldn’t know that if this is the first thing you’re reading upon entering my blog), and I really know when it’s my turn to shut my mouth and put a ‘the end’ of whatever story I’m telling, when the dirty looks I negligibly acknowledge in the rearview mirror turn into the one tangible English translation that you’re on someone’s hit list: the middle finger. So, my Americano happily in the cup holder (and the ice magically halfway melted already), I make my exit and begin the part of the day that actually matters to me. I may have pissed everyone on their 3 o’clock work break on Main Street off, but hey, I managed to throw some good conversation in my day, did I not?

#3. (Making the rest of these super short to balance out my essay-length potential numero dos.) Because the sunshine always shows its face on Wednesdays. Whether it’s a quick three minutes of sneaking out of the gray skies it’s hiding behind, or an allday event, the stuck-in-the-middle-of-the-week mode always call for a bit of hope/UV rays. Always. And I love it.

#4. Because I always manage to find myself down with the Is-Friday-Here-Yet? syndrome and have a habit of beginning to mentally plan my weekend out during slow hours at work. (I get paid only slightly over minimum, plus commission, so I have a right to slack off and waste time a little bit… besides, I’m probably the world’s most successful procrastinator, ever. Ever.)

#5. Because there’s always, and mark my words, always mid-week leftovers in the fridge from Sunday-Tuesday night dinners. Or it’s a really good day when I stumble across Chinese takeout or some 4-star-spicy teriyaki yakisoba from when I was too lazy after an all-dayer at work to put my creativity to good use and cook for myself on Saturday night. Mmmm, nothing’s more delicious than day-(or two)-day-after meals, and I suggest you try it sometime if you have refused to up this point due to sanitary issues. Trust me, there’s just something about giving that casserole a few more hours to refrigerate and having all the ingredients mesh together a little bit more for the best possible flavor ever…

#6. Because something surprising or unexpected always sneaks somewhere into my Wednesdays. That monthly Glamour makes its presence known when I walk down to get the mail, or an old ex (the good kind only though) posts a dorky message via my facebook wall, or you drive the back way home from work past the lake and it’s smooth as paper and utterly stunning and you make yourself stop the car and turn off the radio and realize how much beauty you’re surrounded by in life (I know, I know, “Mother Nature is a gift and not a given” blah blah blah… so what if I sound like your mom/pastor, get over it!). I’m convinced by now it’s the little things in life that are thrown together to make the beautiful results, I could live on life’s simplicities and life’s simplicities only, and be fine with it.

#7. Because, at the end of the day - blame it on the probably-expired-and-should-be-thrown-out-soon leftovers, or espresso stand pick-me-up (and causing drama, which contributes to the public’s tolerance levels, and my entertainment), or good weather or simply the fact that I’ve successfully managed to make it halfway through the week without dying due to my extreme trademarks of sleep deprivation/caffeine overdose/road rage - I fall asleep with a smile on my face. And damnit, as stressful or hectic or downright crazy as life can get sometimes, I’d do it a million times over just to go to bed happy and comfortable by Wednesday night (or morning, depending on just how crazy the week really is and how much zzz’s I have to sacrifice for work/school). No matter how many “WTF?!” moments we’ve had in the week, or how many times that jackass in the red Subaru takes the parking spot our heart/love of having not to walk 0.7 of a mile just to get in the building was set on, but we’ve made it to Wednesday, and now I’m saying where’s that Coor’s I deserve?


And I just realized half the time I make lists, whether daily to-do’s or these, I have a tendency to stop at #7. Hmm. We all have our quirks, some of us are just seem to be more obvious about them than others…

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

all is good and all is well.

Reasons Why I’m In Love With Tuesday Summer Mornings:

#1. You roll outta bed consciously expecting to be faced with a lengthy to-do list, but are surprised when you come to your senses and realize you have… nothing to do. Spontaneity/creativity here we come.

#2. 99.5% of the time you look out the window within 3 minutes of dragging your ass out of bed [big accomplishment for some of us, so self-pride is already soaring by this point] only to see depressing weather. Seriously, it’s like the weather and its weather forecaster [who is convinced he holds the power in that relationship by the way, pisses me off to no end] have this secret deal or unwritten contract stating it WILL be gray and cloudy and blah on Tuesdays. And let me tell you, those gray skies have got lazy and PJ’s and hot cuppa joe and food network/project Runway marathon written all over it, so I guess that weatherman should feel as though he can go on and do whatever he damn well pleases because I usually don’t object him determining my mood in the long run.

#3. Grocery shopping, need I say more? If I’ve failed to establish my mild addiction to supermarkets, here it is: SAFEWAY/ALBERTSON’S/HAGGEN’S owns my soul, and always has. I kid you not [and I wish I was considering how much shit I get for it from my friends], I treat the day I “have to” make a trip to the grocery store as some sort of sacred holiday. It’s just walking/running/skipping/any other form of exercise you very well choose to perform while picking up your necessities [and trust me, I’m known to get creative depending on my energy level] up and down every aisle, knowing once you reach the end and ‘round that corner, only bigger and better things are to present themselves… it’s like a Hollywood thriller, some kind of suspense flick. You never know what’s going to be on sale or, better yet, if new products have hit the shelves and are soaking up their 15 minutes in the time between the time you step foot in the store and last week’s Tuesday grocery run. And don’t get me wrong, bakeries, flea markets, delis of all kinds… they all fall under the category of One Of My Favorite Things In Life. Oh, and not to mention whenever I’m on one of my food adventures, I’m just so inspired to re-start up my not-so-healthy health kick [I’m known to go overboard whenever d i e t is in my monthly vocabulary, and my all-or-nothing personality is to blame]. I see it almost as a competition: I pass people with carts piled high with HFCS-dominant sugary cereals and horribly processed frozen TV dinners, and I consciously think to myself, I’m gonna show them, okay guys, nutritionally-smart Dr. Chissus has entered the building, “can you please point me in the direction of yogurt and broccoli?” Eating healthy makes me feel on top of the world, because, well, my waistline is a whole hell lot smaller than yours so HA. Nonetheless, Tuesdays are reserved for grocery shopping and has been ever since Mom got me hooked on it [I view it as a hobby and not a chore for the record] when I was a little girl.

#4. Coffee’s always more satisfying on a Tuesday. Whether it’s that aroma of strong black off-brand Costco/Starbucks-mixed making its way throughout the house and to your bedroom, and nostrils, or a relaxed internet-blogging session at the local café while soaking up a lowkey and wonderful day, or a quick Starbucks afternoon fix, there’s something spicier about it come the second day of the week. [Note: if the thought hasn’t crossed your mind until I said something, now I bet you’re thinking about it and going, “You know what?, damn, I think she’s really on to something here…”] Maybe I’m speaking for myself, but it seems as though I always fail to make time for a Starbucks run between running errands and OCD’ing my ass through the house, that or I don’t actually sit down and give my senses the opportunity to enjoy the cup of java in front of me on Mondays, and with that said, I try to make up for it on the following day. 12:23pm on Tuesday morning, August 11th, and I hear the café calling my name, mmm iced white chocolate double shot americano w/ nonfat milk , here we come…


#5. Tuesdays are not important. Which makes them fun. I mean think about it, Mondays are the start of the week, The Beginning, the sneak peek of what’s to come and what we should be expecting for the remaining six days, Wednesday is the middle mark of an-already hectic week, Thursdays we find ourselves in TGIF’s-almost-here!,-let’s-start-counting-down-the-hours-by-our-lunch-break-today mode, and Friday’s are, well, Fridays. Code for the best day of the week, English translation: oh hey girls night out with chilled strawberry martinis and cute little lime cosmos in hand, that or lazy night in after a godly long week of work/stress/finances/etc. with some action flicks and forgetting to watch the TV screen and getting distracted with action from the man. But… Tuesdays. Tuesdays. It’s insignificant name is just asking for a lazy/unproductive day [which actually, according to Webster’s, and me, has completely different definitions].

#6. I feel like dancing, all day. Blame it on the fact Beyonce songs keep making their way to my ears/energy level via radio, and I started my morning off right with my 11 o’clock Ellen fix and boy does that girl have it GOING ON. Not so much considering I’m happily taken [and very straight, if that wasn’t established anywhere in that last label] but hey, gotta give it to her, she’s cute for a lesbian. Well, I take that back, she has impressive dancing skills for a lesbian. Well actually, I have nothing to compare her to but… I feel like dancing. I reserve Tuesdays for my perky good moods, end of story.

#7. Let’s just get down to business here and go on a rooftop and SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS: you’ll never guess who I just received a voicemail from. *suspense building up among the audience* [I know, I know, I’m pretty good…] So I was doin’ my thing and pouring myself a glass of fat-free milk to compliment my PB&J whole-wheat flax waffle breakfast sandwich [oh, and if you’re not drooling yet, there’s a good chance that something is clinically wrong with you] and apparently my phone was stuck on silent from my nightly ritual in which I make damn sure nothing in the world will disrupt my good and wonderful 8 hours of beauty zzz’s. Outta the corner of my eye I look over only to see Sadie [yes, I have a nickname for my cell, don’t act like you don’t] glowing with her bright blue background and new… what was that?, new voicemail? Considering it’s not everyday that I get calls at 11:47am, and not only that but calls important enough to leave a voicemail, I’m going to admit that I got a tiny bit excited inside. I was stuck there, the gallon of milk still attached to my hand, fridge door wide open and standing there dumbfounded and confused and yet giddy just because no one EVER calls me before noon, on a good day. So there was only one thing to do: call my dear ol’ voicemail and check the shit out and see what was up. And thankthelord I did, because as soon as my still-half-asleep-self-proclaimed-NOT-a-morning-person self came to my senses and realized the message behind the message, a huge smile came over my employed-but-getting-a-depressing-15-or-so-hours-a-week ass. I was officially offered to meet for a job interview with [insert name of the girl who runs the show here] at a local espresso stand down by the airfields. Now, I thought to myself, don’t work yourself up too much, it’s just an interview. If we were to get technical though, what exactly are my chances? First of all, let’s do the basic math: I would look 100% HOT as a barista and killin’ the shots all day long, not to mention, as genes would have it, I’m personable as hell, and bubbly and friendly [on a good day] usually go hand in hand with that, I mean right? Forget it, confidence is skyhigh, I should have this in the bag. So *fingers crossed*, and cross ‘em tighter than usual, and I’ll come back with preferably good? news in a matter of 23 hours or less [seriously, who in their right mind schedules official biz at 11:15 in the morning? I guess she works/lives around coffee so she does have a right to, but whatev]. Chances are I’ll busy myself self-prepping interview questions and speaking in business terms and big words just to get in habit for the entire afternoon and night, and tonight’s sweet dreams will likely consist of me landing the job and serving local caffeine addicts, and getting tipped from wealthy business people on their way to their multi-million dollar jobs whose checkbooks aren’t even the slightest bit affected by this economy, right and left [can you say hello automatic/out-of-habit/etiquette commission?] and WHAT.T.F., calllllllmmm down Court. It’s a shot. It’s a chance. And a damn good one, and one I will own if I have any say in it.

Until tomorrow at noon when I [happily] break the news, go soak yourself up some afternoon happiness, a satisfying energy boost/caffeine fix, and for god sakes, make it a good day. After all, it’s Tuesday.

Monday, June 29, 2009

getting on my hands and knees and rollin' around in the mud for awhile - the undesired state we're thrown with from time to time.

I'm just gonna come out and say it: I wish relationships were available on speed dial, love a quick call away. Why thou shalt be so damn hard to come across, the good and lasting stuff I mean? I swear, it's like the second I find myself at the state I'm beyond happy and beyond comfortable and can see myself being stuck at for nearly the rest of my life, bam! and CHJSDEYHUQEYIFF, it all falls to pieces and my world falls apart, so it feels, ina blink of an eye. Can't I just walk up to Sabrina the Teenage Witch and request a potent little spice of "I'm-gonna-make-your-life-a-living-hell-for-what-you-think-you-can-actually-get-away-with-doing" that'll fuck up male hormones a bit, add some zest to the aftermath of relationship ends? I take that back, I think she's longtime retired by now. Get some cheesy advice from my girl Hannah Montana, maybe booka 3-hour appointment with [insert female celebrity who's happily married and has never had to resort to divorce here]? Whatever, heartbreak makes the world go 'round just as much as its classic rivalry these days. I'll come out a little bruised, a little messed up and a little torn, but stronger than I was before I made my entrance and proving myself to the world is exactly what I'll do. Survival of the fittest I like to call it. Who can tough out life's most brutal shit and who can make it out alive. Because, in the end, it's not that it doesn't matter, but only one thing matters. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door. Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the classiest of 'em all...

be tough, be beautiful and for godsakes, be grateful.
It's been fun and the memories are now a part of me, and this m'dear, is what it all comes down to.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I got a confession to make, that my heart would break to hear you say goodbye
You're my every dream, You're the threadwork to my seams / And you know that I can't lie, when I say I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop thinking about how.
My heart's empty without you, I just hate myself to think of you with someone else,
To hear you say goodbye / I love you for who you are, no more, no less, And you know that I can't lie, when I say. . .

my dreams will never come true without you

when does the ride finally start?

You wanna know what may be the strangest feeling in the world is? Waking up every morning and feeling as though your life is yet to begin, kinda put on hold for a long period of time and you're just stuck waiting... waiting for something, for someone, for that one thing to walk into your life and open your eyes, take you by the hand and lead you to who you're supposed to be, your future - your life. This right here may be my life, but something tells me it's gonna be so much more, so much more beautiful. I have my eye on one thing and one thing only, and goddamn is it beautiful. I imagine the road laid out before my feet and it's never been clearer to me than it is now, as I sit and watch and wait, and dream. Never a day comes to me that I'm not holding tight onto my vision of the future, what my life's gonna be two, three years down the road... and then ten. Twenty, thirty, forty, where the hell do I see myself? It used to be not only a question, but a fear of mine and now it's probably one of the most comfortable and assuring of my thoughts. I believe we choose our own pathways in life, but I didn't hafta choose; it came to me, it presented itself, and I accepted what I know is gonna be a lifetime of love and wonder and simply, happiness.

Patience has never been my forte, but the best things come to people who wait, and now I am/will be a living testimony of sucha theory. June 7th, june 8th, june 9th...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

beauty in the breakdown. english translation: wednesday night procrastination.

It’s this emptiness. A distant feeling, a numbing of the body and you don’t know how long it is to stay. It’s unknown and foreign and this so utterly disgustingly socially-disapproved unfamiliar. It’s this constant suffering of emotions and the heart and




They call it loneliness.
Not so much loneliness but rather a desperate longing for him, a craving for the comfort and soothing of his voice to return, this unexplainable thirst for his presence. And the entire while you’re thinking, “What the hell am I doing? How did I permit myself to go in over my head?, why did I let my heart overrule my head yet again?"
It’s so hard. It’s been over seventeen years and this is all so ridiculous but I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I’ve never been so convinced this is a sign. I got my answer sooner that I thought I would have. I believe with everything I have this is simply a test: are we really as crazy about each other as we think?, Has something beautiful been created that not one of our friends will ever ever EVER understand, but we have found each other and from there created it?… Does absence really make the heart go fonder? Or is it as easy to move on and throw them outta our daily thoughts as it seems in our generation these days? You see teenagers/people “falling” so quickly, then hurting each other, arising from the ashes a little bruised and yet still untouched, attempting to act invincible and unaffected and emotionless? Nonchalant.
I used to be her. I had built a stonewall around my sensitive and naive and ever so vulnerable heart. The world had once seen my soft personality and I thought I had made a mistake in showing them; as I was growing up, I made an unconscious decision to change that and lead them onto believe I was touch and strong and as far from vulnerable as possible. In order to do so, I created an image dominant of independence, sharp wit, bravery, boldness, courage, strength, and the lack of potential vulnerability. I was convinced I held the cards in the game. I felt as though I controlled people, their emotions and worst, mine. I attempted to control who I was and what I felt and how I felt towards certain people at any given point in my life.

And I thought that was the perfect way of life. The only way of life.
I’ve slowly changed over the years, the months, even weeks.
I’m returning to my original nature. My sensitive heart and spontaneous but semi-rare spurts of vulnerability, my diehard love for my surrounding world… and certain people in it.
I no longer believe dependence is always a bad thing, a sign of weakness. Correction, only if you have found the right person.

I never thought I would find him. Really. I prayed about him, I was desperately seeking him in everyone I met. Deep down, I thought he wasn’t out there so what did I do? I attempted to create him in people who weren’t him at all. I built him up, down to every last quality, every last flaw. He was perfection. And I prayed. Oh, let me tell you, I’ve been praying for him since I was a little girl. Come to think of it, I honestly didn’t believe he was out there, he was out searching for me at that.
I had doubt, I doubted perfection. I sound like I’m worshipping him and the fact that I believe I’ve finally found him, and maybe in a sense I am. I’m worshipping the fact that I have never, never in my life felt this way towards someone. You know, we see fate on the big screen, classic Hollywood serendipity, yet it’s in our nature to doubt that, not someone, but the someone, is out there waiting/searching for us. And when we finally find them, we don’t know what to do. It’s this feeling like someone has taken my past of my shoulders and just said… “Now you can start living. The past seventeen years of your life has simply been preparation for meeting him and beginning your life in his presence.” With him, everything, and I’m talking everything, is just so different. Everything feels just so fucking right, call it instinct or… fate. I said it.
I’m falling down this long steep tunnel, it’sa straight shot down, and I’m just shooting down this thing head first with no consciousness or ability to stop and everything starts to get blurry and I don’t know where I am, at the beginning of the tunnel or near the end because everything is so dark but that’s the thing it’s just the OPPOSITE of dark - it’s this bright light that won’t shut off, and you continue dreading your days, waiting, just waiting for something to happen, something bam! to turn the switch, dim the light, but it doesn’t come. Alice sliding backwards down the hollow tree, down under the truck, passing life all along. It’s this exciting adventure and there’s no stop option, no pause button, no opportunity to get off the ride. But there is absolutely no reason in my mind to want to get off the ride, everything is so sweet and wonderful and… I just hope it’s everlasting. I’ve never wanted forever more. I’ve never wanted to spend my life, examine these words, spend my life with someone before I met him.


I met him and he changed everything. We were created for each other. He is the love of my life.
I don’t understand it, and you know, perhaps I never really will.
And that right there, I’m convinced, is the beauty of life. That surprise element, that looking back upon the past couple months and wondering where he even came from and how he ever so casually walked into my life but saying hell with it because none of it even matters. What matters is that I know someday, someday soon I will fall into his arms and we will be together. And it's as simple as that.





My life is one big complicated mess, but hell it’s beautiful.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

thursday night definition of my life.

"when it rains, it pours."



and it's really as simple as that when it all comes down to it. All this time I’ve been so scared of falling into the hole and not being able to escape that I managed to dig myself into a even deeper one than I could ever imagine without realizing it. I took a shot, and I failed. I took it for granted and gasped for a clean inhale of air and smoke filled my lungs, and I’m looking around it, wondering where it came from. Wondering where this all got started in the first place and how in the hell I didn’t stop it before now. But that’s just that, something I struggle with everyday of my life: as much as I fight and fight and fight to be in control, that’s not how we’re created, that’s not how He wants it. I had my life set and yet God looked down upon my outline and shook his head in approval, took the paper and threw it behind his shoulder as a huge smile came upon his face in admiration. Your efforts were cute, but oh naïve little Court, you have no idea what’s in store for you, you have no idea of the beauty and the potential ova life I have set in stone for your future. Leave it to Him and all will be determined, and this I am convinced of.

There comes a point in all our lives where life just kinda stops and we’re forced to surrender. And for me, that time is now. I picture my life and I see an image of vulnerability and weakness and desperate despair down on her knees in the middle of a concrete street surrounded by city lights and the never-stopping commotion of life, rain pouring down upon her bloody hands and her bloody face, disguising her tears and soaking up her pain, staining the white sundress hugging her drenched body and cutting her bare feet with every falling drop. Ashes a shade of black and corrupt lay surrounding her, and with her sorrow, are being washed away by the current of the flood, violently rushing into the gutters of the street. She is lost and she is afraid; her life has finally hit rock bottom and from here, there are no answers, there is no hope. What once seemed worthwhile and beautiful now seems destroyed and ruined, fallen to the ground and shattered into a million little pieces. On the verge of giving it all up in a moment in time, at the snap ova finger, I look up only to see a boy staring down from an apartment window above. He’s holding a candle in hand and is gently peering down at me, his gaze striking through me and delivering a message, sending me words and encouragement and reason with a single look. A boy of six or seven and yet it all comes together, clicks in the back of my mind and ina single second the puzzle pieces of my life are thrown together and this unexplainable feeling comes over me. An epiphany speaks its piece, and I know. This has all happened for a reason, they are all staying around in my life for a reason. A bigger picture we may not understand, and really, that may be half the fun of it in the long run: not knowing, not knowing a damn thing ever gonna be thrown at us before it is. This may very well be the definition of life. We fall down, whether we’re violently shoved to the ground or we do the shoving upon ourselves. We get dirty, we get messy, we get bruised and torn and fucked up in the lost and found. But once we’re down, and I’m talking once we’ve hit rock bottom, the lowest of the lowest, we have two choices: either to crawl to the nearest safety net we can come across [note: the tempting yet dangerous option] or ask to take on a battle, that battle being to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off a bit, transform our mistakes into lessons and start anew, start fresh.

My life is one big complicated mess but hell, it’s beautiful.
I am living in guilt and angst and this state of constant fear from day to day, and up until now, I was trying to run away. I awake every morning and unwillingly drag my unmotivated ass outta bed and yet after I’m up, I wonder if a reason remains as to the why behind it all. The why I jumped outta bed, the why I’m taking another shot at life yet again when I failed yesterday, the why I keep going day after day after day. Why am I here? What am I doing here? I’m convinced by now I came into this world for more than just to deliver a laugh here and there, to add to the population ova little redneck town in godknowswhere, Washington, to spice a few lives up here and there but have no significant impact on the world itself. I am here for something bigger.

Take your focus off the small world you’re stuck in, and alternate your perspective to the bigger picture. There’s so much out there and so much for us to experience, to learn and grow from, and yet we’re adamant on staying firmly planted in our comfort zone, where we’re warm and secure and sheltered. Why is this? Let us not fear the next step yet trust in the foundation of our future. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? So we may slip and fall, and stumble down a road of pain and hurt, an altogether undesirable pathway. I’ve been there multiple times in the past months, and so have you. So what are we so goddamn afraid of? I’ve made some mistakes in the past few weeks, and acknowledging my superior nature and strive for perfection, I feel disgusting admitting it. But perhaps this is how I know I’m growing up, just being able to randomly breakdown in the middle of my busy life and on a normal thursday night and accept that I’ve successfully turned my life into something I never imagined I would, or could for that matter. I’m living in manipulation and deceit and a whole lotta other shit that I don’t feel quite ready to face eye-to-eye at the moment, but soon enough I will. And yet I’ll get over it, because on the brightside, this is what life’s about. It’s about experimenting different pathways and seeing where they individually lead, making different decisions and having to face and deal with the consequences, willingly or not-so-willingly. This is life, and I plan on living it regardless of how messy it may be at times, and hell tell me tell ya, it can get pretty bad. Arising from our ashes and finding/creating an escape route amidst our pain and our suffering is the challenge we are thrown with one intention: to overcome. To prove our strength not to the world but only to ourselves, to grow and to learn, and to look back on it years down the road and reminisce on how it shaped us into the person we are at that moment. Just as happiness is not permanent, a burden does not last forever. We rise up, and we fall down - and vice versa. After all, what purpose would life hold if there were no highs and lows, no fears and epiphanies and ceremonies and moments of failure, justa flat line we can remember as we lay upon our deathbed? Life is here, and life is now. Meet it
.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

truths.

#1. My family has joked about me being adopted since day one. The only fair-skinned blue-eyed blonde among darker-featured brunettes? Something doesn’t quite add up, I’m slowly convincing myself it wasn’t much of a joke on their part.

#2. I successfully made it to ER by age one. I was swinging on this antique church pew in our house [decoration purposes of course] and all 500lbs. of it fell over on me. And seven hours straight of screaming bloody murder and 38201 stitches later… to this day, I believe the green doctor was the first friend I ever made. We don’t stay in touch. In fact, I hope to never see him again.

#3. I hate situations that call for me to be serious, end of story. I’m convinced by now that I was put on this earth strictly for entertainment purposes. You’re welcome, and I accept checks.

#4. I’ve always secretly wanted to be homeless, to have the experience on my record. And I would spend all my time going around and stealing glitter and markers and beads and glue from craft stores to make the hottest “please feel bad for me” signs on the block [competitive streak kicking in].

#5. I’m constantly craving attention, but I don’t want to be smothered. I don’t ask for it, but I will find a way to get it.

#6. I’ve always wanted to get in the car with a complete stranger. In America this is known as hitchhiking.

#7. I’ve discovered that when my phone dies it means I’m up past my bedtime.

#8. Reckless driving/living are things I heart equally.

#9. (Rach) I will never have a close relationship with either of my parents. We're too different. Their childhood/values/current ideas just differ from mine completely. When I have kids, I'm going to make sure that no matter how different we are, I find some way to connect with them.

#10. Between you and I, I can’t wait to become a mom. I have more fun with kids than anyone else, so life’s just gonna be one big party.

#11. I’m convinced I got stuck with THE oddest combination of genes possible, mentally speaking. It’s like a Midwest tornado and Alaskan blizzard, combined, in my head every day, and my personality reflects this.

#12. I am like a boy in the sense that there is not an ounce of sensitivity in my blood [and if there is, I pretend like there isn’t], I prefer watching NFL games on the big screen over girl talk in the kitchen on holidays, and I thrive off of “that’s what she said” jokes. Never gets old. Ever.

#13. Independent is the one adjective that defines me, bar none. I’ve always been convinced dependency is a sign of weakness since I was little, and can’t seem to shake the idea. Which is ironic because I’m the baby of the family, but whatev.

#14. On that note, I worship my alone time. Few would ever guess this because I’m naturally such a people person and talking is a sport in my mind.

#15. I get my workaholic nature from my daddy, giving up isn’t in his vocabulary, and I respect him for it more than he will ever know.

#16. I can't dance for shit, but I have a damn good time trying.

#17. I never used to suck on my thumbs, I thought it was strange. Instead I preferred my toes.

#18. I wish I didn’t make lying look so easy. Seriously, it’s a gift/curse. I’m pretty sure it’s a moral issue, but I can’t help it. I know how to get things in life, and I take advantage of it. On the same note, I've been told I can manipulate parents/teachers/authority like nobody's business, although unfortunately I don't think this is quite the compliment.

#19. 99.1% of what comes outta my mouth is pure sarcasm. Humor is key in my book, it makes the world a beautiful place.

#19. I have more sass that what’s healthy in a person. And yes, I’m aware I wrote #19 twice and then was too lazy to backspace. Meh.

#20. Messing with people and eating cereal are things I do often. Without remorse.

#21. I have an extremely all-or-nothing personality. I’m either extremely messy or meticulously clean/organized. I either put forth 101% effort or refuse to do it period, I don’t feel morally obligated to halfass things. I either wake up in a wonderful mood or one from hell. I either like you, or I don’t.

#22. Steve Carell and Jim Carrey are my heroes because they have not only saved my sanity multiple times, but have provided some of the most epic awkward moments known to Hollywood, and for this I give them my respect.

#23. Spontaneous is my favorite word, and it gets me into trouble just about 90% of the time. My life is based on impulse, it’s like a constant adrenaline rush, you should try it sometime.

#24. I’m a working-out-and-eating-right junkie, I can’t help it. I refuse to touch fast food, excluding midnight DQ blizzard runs, and I haven’t had soda of any kind in 23 months. This I’m sure of, it was such an important event I put it on my calendar and celebrate its anniversary from time to time. My mom tried to give me 7-up when I was sick a few months back and I threw a temper tantrum [evidence: maturity issue]

#25. I’m a licensed perfectionist. I used to freak out the minute I saw wrinkles on my pink teacup bedspread when I was five, and this once lead me to thinking that I wanted to be an interior designer. Then I thought of how many people would hate me when I barged in on their homes and whipped out my power trip on them and destroyed anything I didn’t like. I don’t care if you got it for your son for Christmas three years ago, it’s not appealing to my senses.

#26. I wish I was a ballerina, and I guilt trip my parents every day of my life for not enrolling me in a dance class by age three.

#27. My first childhood crush was on a guy named Will Smith, it may ring a bell. Amen to ‘90s fresh prince reruns <3 Ah, the good 'ol days.

#28. I’m cheap and high-maintenance. I live in designer but given the choice, I’d choose beer over a $17 cocktail any day.

#29. I grew up on a farm and to this day won’t touch eggs, because I’m convinced my mom feeding me scrambled eggs every morning before preschool, only naturally, lead to my taste buds finally gettin sick of 'em.

#30. I have trouble finishing my sentences. I blatantly call it oral dyslexia.

#31. I want to be treated like a princess, not purchased like one.

#32. I will be mad at you, and then five minutes later apologize for being mad.

#33. I am probably the most silly and unfocused person known to mankind. My high school teachers keep reminding me of how unhealthy these traits are to have.

#34. I won’t be put on hold. For anything or anyone.

#35. “I have a really inappropriate sense of humor. Everything I find funny is usually not church friendly.”

#36. I use 4 different shampoos and 5 different conditioners, per shower. Probably looked down upon in the cosmetology industry but hell, I get compliments on my hair all the time so I must be doing something right.

#37. I’ve been on two blind dates in my life and I suggest it over resorting to eHarmony/online dating communities. Really, you have nothing to lose. Except maybe some hours of your life that you’ll never get back, and in some cases, an article [or two] of clothing.

#38. I have been involved with someone six years older than myself. Hence the law d0n’tt fAze m3. This is not a good sign...

#39. Yes, I’ve always dreamed of being on a parade float. No, I’ve never received an invitation.

#40. I make up my own words on a regular basis. It’s a hobby really.

#41. I am a diehard city/beach/country girl - all equally.

#42. My competitive streak crosses the line and gets me in trouble from time to time. It all started when my barbies had to have had the best clothes and cards in the neighborhood. I will have the best, own the best, flaunt the best, and be the best.

#43. I was saving myself [my heart anyway] for Scott Bairstow until the day I saw him on the news for rape. It quite possibly was one of the worst days of my life. It was on that day I began keeping my eyes open for a prince charming replacement. Damn you, Wild America, for getting my hopes up.

#44. I never learned how to share, I think I skipped that day of kindergarten. When I claim it, it’s mine. Some people call this a possessive issue, I say fuck it, we all have our issues.

#45. Working out is and will always be my the first one of my life. Men/money/food always take second priority, and this is a guarentee.

#46. I love anything with ‘dirty’ in the title - camping/mud fights/pole dancing all included.

#47. I want to grow up and land myself a highly successful career with an important title/position that makes tons and tons of money. Not because I’m acquisitive, it’s because I’m fairly convinced by now I’ve been ona power trip since I was a little girl. I like being in control, and, if it were up to me, I'd refuse to take orders from anyone.

#48. I find amusement in rebelling. I don’t do limits, restrictions, or the word “no”. You tell me not to do something?, I find 35 different creative ways TO do it. I’m dangerous to society, or so they say.

#49. Camping is the key to my heart, bar none. Taking a break from chores/taking showers/getting all dolled up to present myself to the world everyday? Enough said.

#50. The ocean is my favorite place in the world, and there’ll never be competition. Ever. There’s just something about standing with your bare feet in wet sand, waves crashing over 'em, and forgetting all the world’s troubles and letting your heart get lost in the sea. *sigh* Long Beach, anyone?

#51. Caffeine overdose or pain meds, or sleep deprivation will be responsible for my death one day, this I’m sure of. I’m a certified junkie of each, and I'm surprised I don't have medical records claiming that I only have a few more years to live just because my lifestyle habits are so damn unhealthy.

#52. I’m known to capslock random words in a sentence/conversation just to throw people off. Court trademark right there, don’t touch it, but let me tell you, it’s quite possibly the most entertaining activity of my day.

#53. I’ve always secretly wanted to certify my therapist skills. I take pride in the advice I’m able to give, thank you. [Fun fact: I have a tendency to never go to people or friends seeking help or advice, but I thrive off helping people.]

#54. I run around cleaning the house [hello OCD?] when I’m avoiding homework/responsibilities. I like to think of it as guiltless procrastination, since I’m still doing something semi-productive.

#55. I didn’t stop at #50 like I was “supposed to”. Meh, I’ve always sucked at following directions anyway.


#56. So I'll keep going, for whoever's attention span I've managed to hold up until this point. I cannot for the life of me keep a fish alive longer than a month or so. And before you ask me if I forget to feed it or clean its bowl, I will scream at you and tell you it's not my fault. And that's not the same lame "it's not my fault" the nasty ex feeds you or the pouty whiny-voiced "it's not my f-aaa-uuu-lt" that your kids throw at you when you walk into the kitchen only to find milk spilled all over your brand spankin' new wood flooring, but I'm serious when I say I think the pet store jips me whenever I go in and buy a new beta/goldfish. And damnit, it's not funny!, especially considering my extreme attachment issues that I innately get with pets.

#57. I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason" and fate. Don't get me wrong, I think He has his fun working it all out, but hey, it's an entertaining production in the end, right?

#58. I'll read my daily horoscope and "compatibility with this week's boyfriend" for the fun of it, when boredom has got the best, and I mean best, of me. But other than that, I mostly just joke about karma and the stars and all that snazzy cosmo shit. Well, usually.

#59. There is nothing in the world I love more than coffee. And it's such a big part of my life that bolding the entire sentence seemed necessary. It's an unhealthy/expensive addiction, but I've thought about it and I think I'm willing to sacrifice all my weekly paychecks and pool it into one big delicious Starbucks fund. Besides, the classic strictly-cigarettes-and-coffee diet you see in the old black&white films with Aubrey Hepburn? My god, so classy. Minus the cigarettes part of it of course, because I'd rather have to resort to using whitestrips for my faded off white teeth than die of lung cancer.

#60. I'm probably the most mature seventeen year old of my generation. And this falls under 'facts' and not 'opinions'. It's scary, I don't even really know how I got this way.

#61. I could live on [fat-free] Yoplait. 'Nuff said. I mean, walking down the yogurt aisle in the grocery store is like some kind of adventure in Willy Wonka's dessert factory, there's lemon, boston cream pie, raspberry cheesecake, french vanilla, key lime pie, and new on the markets (except not available in fat-free, yet) is Coffee. Oh my god, *drool*...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

there'sa new elle woods in washington... state

Someone asked me if I've ever seriously considered becoming a lawyer when/[if] I ever grow up. Just like that, outta the blue and all I could do was look at em and laugh because despite how many millions upon millions of random thoughts travel through my mind on a daily basis, this is one that's never taken presence. Then I started thinking about it and I'm like hey, perhaps he really has something here. I mean, let us analyze: 1) I am one damn good writer and have a way with words [universal fact]; 2) I thrive off anything remotely associated with defiance, i.e. heated arguments --> defending cases and backing it up with far better support than anyone else's ass can deliver thus, --> winning; 3) I've been called manipulative by a number of people throughout the years [not always a trait to take pride in but hey, lawyers bring home the moola yeeaaah?] and finally 4) I've already adopted my own Court-signature career motto [see below] so, practically speaking I'm halfway there already. A little bitta schoolin' and I'll be good to go, set for life. And on the brightside, if all else fails, I still have all my journalism/criminal justice/marine biology/Hollywood production/massage therapy/Gene Juarez certified beautifier options as a fallback...



oh, and today's favorite quote that I'd love to claim as my own words:
"I'm a lover not a fighter, but piss me off and I'll knock your ass out."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm hoping I don't die soon, I have an agenda.

bucket list


- live in a California flat overlooking Huntington with Alixandria Bomar (code: my best friend in life, ever)
- go bridge jumping in Venice
- buy everyone in the bar a drink
- milk a cow
- give johnny depp a kiss on the cheek
- shower in a waterfall
- run around tagging the city’s most legit buildings
- spend the night on a trampoline
- give to charity -- anonymously
- surf in Tahiti
- send a message in a bottle
- kiss a prince [I’m thinking William is my best option on the table]
- walk around with a bible in hand in prison
- swim with dolphins at sunset
- take a pole dancing class, pick up some new moves for the hell of it
- buy a round-the-world air ticket
- take a ferrari for a test drive
- publish a novel
- make origami cranes for cancer patients
- get lost in Europe
- visit Chinatown. really, that’s all.
- tell a boss where to shove it, make a scene and quit (chappelle-inspired)
- play firefighter for one 24-hour on-call shift
- mom some kids and raise ‘em the best way I know how to
- waste my lifesavings in designer london boutiques
- visit the holy land
- go to a football game in milford, michigan
- scuba dive off the coast of Australia's great barrier reef
- defy gravity
- take up salsa dancing
- crash a party
- go hot air ballooning on a really cold/foggy autumn morning
- buy a gym membership... and use it
- lick an iceberg
- tokyo drift
- bartend in new york city
- visit the North Pole and spend the night in an igloo
- ride a camel throughout Israelian scorching hot deserts
- host a downtown miami club event
- make it through KUBE 93.3’s annual haunted house, preferably alive
- attend a paris fashion show
- go to a bonfire on laguna beach
- hire my personal bouncer for clubbin' out on the town

- spin 'round and 'round and 'round in giant teacups on Coney Island until I puke
- spend the night under the stars
- take a roadtrip down South and visit Andrew Swint
- go skydiving hand in hand with the love of my life
- take a Caribbean cruise
- drink the most expensive tequila on the market
- direct a Hollywood film
- spend new years on an exotic beach drinking pina coladas
- paint and decorate a local smalltown's artist cafe
- work at Nordstrom, end of story
- backpack Everest... during the good season
- live it up Jamaica style
- get a tattoo symbolizing what's most important in my life
- live the typical 4-year university experience - college football games/cafeteria food/walking from class to class in 0 degree weather/prioritizing partying over studying on weeknights all included.
- host an oldschool nintendo party
- become a ballerina
- if that doesn’t come true, enroll my girls in dance classes by age 5
- rescue a drowning dog/person
- take a 7am run in autumn in Central Park
- scuba dive off the coast of Australia’s great barrier reef
- master smoky eyes
- learn how to take a compliment
- smoke a cuban cigar
- write an autobiography, never publish it, and give it to one person before I die
- go dark brunette
- jump off a diving board without contemplating suicide
- achieve a state of pure and utter happiness
- make the world a better place
- find my prince charming in this world


Thursday, February 26, 2009

white sheets and the art of asian simplicity.

"And then about a week ago, it all became clear. I was putting the breakfast dishes away and Harold was warming up the car so we could go to work. And I saw the newspaper spread open on the kitchen counter, Harold's glasses on top, his favorite coffee mug with the chipped handle off to the side. And for some reason, seeing all these little domestic signs of familiarity, our daily ritual, made me swoon inside. But it was as if I were seeing Harold the first time we made love, this feeling of surrendering everything to him, with abandon, without caring what I got in return.
And when I got into the car, I still had the glow of that feeling and I touched his hand and said, "Harold, I love you." And he looked in the rearview mirror, backing up the car, and said, "I love you, too. Did you lock the door?" And just like that, I started to think, It's just not enough."

Sunday, February 1, 2009

maybe we'll notice the world's standing still.

sunday night, yuck.
I have so so so much on my mind yet no no no time to stop and write every little thoughta mine down. Grrrr, yay for yet another early monday morning?

ordinary. that's all it is anymore.
it's all very plain, original flavored.
ordinary.





ordinary.

Monday, January 26, 2009

a nice balance of yoga&coffee, cure to finals week

Q: What does one do/go to when they're attempting to survive one of the most stressful weeks of their teenage life?
A: See below, and read up on legit instructions on howta stay alive.





OMG STRESS STRESS STRESS.
I'm currently on this 8 shots of strong java per two hour period, and so far it's workin out good. Until time comes for night night.. wait, am I on crack?, everyone knows sleep isn't even an option during finals week. I just wanna take something and throw it against the wall as forceful as imaginable, to enforce my control seeing as I have none right none. School's officially kicking my ass, and I've come to the conclusion that my original aspiration to tell colleges that rejection isn't an option of theirs, signing up for all these impressive AP and college courses to create an oh so irresistible transcript is going downhill and wasn't sucha good idea in the first place. I AM SEVENTEEN, remind me why in the helll I need to write 17 different papers in one week? My lord, let me live my life and do not intimidate my dreams.

PS: so much for my since-I-was-a-little-girl fantasy of running my ass outta Snoho the second my diploma is in my hands and Wazzu'in it up for four years straight, "starting my life off the right way" ...hello Community?



Entities I am revolving every breath I take and every thought I have for the next 70.0 hours of my life:
  1. 2nd qtr AP presentation - Madame Bovary journal.
  2. Spanish final. And the 389201 "prepping is good practice" worksheets, damn class.
  3. US History final. And tests I'm making up.
  4. Trig final.
  5. Chem final.
  6. Chem lab/write-up.

From here on out, I'm dropping any and all social life whatsoever and putting my life on pause until this week's over. AFTER I survive passing my written and work, that is. There's never any breaks anymore, I suck at life.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

ew at wednesday night stress

don't you worry, there my honey
we might not have any money
but we've got our love to pay the bills
maybe I think you're cute and funny,
maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you,
if you know what I mean
Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance let's get rich and build our house on a mountain making everybody look like ants from way up there, you and I, you and I, you and I
well you might be a bit confused and you might be a little bit bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so I will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Daddy always said to dream big, so...


...And I'm fairly convinced by now I could probably settle for marriage and 11 kids with him. Any objections?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

the weekly advice column of Court



How To: survive a week from hell
__________________
Consider my guidance. I'ma 17yrold teenage girl attempting survival ina messed-up world and just as everyone, I'm takin it day by day and hour by hour. I'm in love with life, but that doesn't mean I have those days I want nothing more than to screw everything - school, work, relationships with anyone halfway important in my life, my daily shitloads of homework, responsibilites, priorities - and post a notice of officially being a failure and giving up on the bedroom door of my life. Of asking the world to swallow me up, just like that... who needs to consider suicide when it takes so much time and effort? I'm human and I lead a comparably human life. Sometimes though it's not just limited to a bad day, but a bad week. A streak of annoying drama, uncalled-for encounters, mortifying moments - you name it, the works. But then again they say these are the times that toughen us up a lil', define our character and everything.

On the brightside, these are the type of weeks we look back at a few months down the road and laugh at. Not because of our stupidity, especially seeing as 89% of my life is outta my control, but because of our reactions to them. Once we find ourselves in the classic I'm-living-this-entire-week-on-the-verge-of-stepping-off-the-next-cliff-I-come-across state of mind, we have no escape. The mood is temporarily permanent and we're given no way out. To the times in our lives when we wonder why and how we're even surviving, pushin through the week and comin out alive... Cheers? With that said, we all know how brilliant some of my advice can be, due to the fact I'm just the one who speaks what everyone else is thinking. So read on, nod your head in agreement when necessary, and take notes:

#1. Keep that head held high no matter what gets in the way, what falls from the sky, what runs in front of your path. Imitate poise, and thou shalt have poise, and thus fool half the world into what kinda week you're really having.

#2. Permanently attach a cup of caffeine in your hand, be it a morning starbucks quickie or latenight energy fix to keep your not-so-sweet dreams back on track. Coming from a certified coffee addict, trust me on this one, it's guarenteed to work wonders on a temporary depressing outlook on life.

#3. Temporarily disown everyone in your life, and I'm serious about this one. People only add to, if not create, the problems/drama/bad mood. Take a break from the world, it'll understand. We gotta breathe sometime without it breathing down our necks, I mean right?



#4. Enough said? Acknowledge and adore. If this alone doesn't do the trick, at least putta smile on your face, I would suggest seeking a counseling group, for depression reasons. Possibly a shrink, seeing as people at this time in our lives can be a dangerous suggestion...

#5. Stop pretending to starve yourself and be normal. You're stressed, you're moody and you're all-around grrr. What now? Pack on those calories and indulge in everything your normal everyday "diet" says no no to. Mmm, I smell peanut butter chocolate chip butterscotch dough in the kitchen? It is now time to throw rules and the idea of the scale in your bathroom out the window for the time being, and eat up. And get to get to, because we start worrying about the damage we've done in 3.1 seconds...

#6. In follow up to #5 above, view it as motivation to drag your lovely little ass outta its comfort zone [aka off the couch surrounded with Godiva and weekold Cheesecake Factory leftovers from the decent-that-soon-turned-disaster blind date with that "eye candy" your co-worker hooked you up with without your consent] aaannd onto the treadmill! Whip out some hXc let's-drown-ourselves-in-annoying-screamo-and-Andrew-WK tunes and hit uppa gym quickie or early morning jog. Laziness only adds to the bad mood, and hey hey, we gotta strut those too-tight pair of I-only-have-these-because-I'ma-ex-rower spandex somewhere anyway, right? Exercise<3
PS, if all else fails in life, you'll still havva likedamnnnthatshot body...

#7. Make a soundtrack of your week, and oh, I'm serious. Throw together some classic and relaxing Bob Dylan, - or addictive oldschool - the Offspring, Nickelback, Tim McGraw, Nirvana, Jamie Foxx, and the best of the best, the love of my life, my man Jack Johnson. Hello automatic one hour of nonstop anti-depressants? Can't resist the affect the right music can have on us, ahh.

#8. Go out forra midnight stroll, or if that's seasonally inappropriate, settle forra latenight drive. Screw the GPS for one night and get lost. Give yourself permission to waste gas, it is cheaper than a therapist after all. Drive east drive west and end up in godknowswhere, and soak up self-time. One rule: limit this one to a sober night, there'sa good chance DUIs will only add to the stress/unlucky encounters in your life...

#9. Speaking of alcohol... psh, you know the drill. Make damn well certain you don't hafta be at work by noon or earlier the next morning, and you're covered. Spike your hot chocolate if you insist ona comfortable night by the fire at home, or better yet, go out and splurge your paycheck ona rainbow of drinks.. and a recipe book, a modern-day betty crocker for the alcohol lover's soul. Invite over half your phone's contact list and bartend the evenin away. Legally, this is NOT comin outta the mouth ova 17yrold's but you know, who are you to judge? I'm sure you're in full support of the idea.

#10. Yeah, definitely out of ideas. I would throw out the idea to go out on the town with some friends in the most daring public-inappropriate outfit available in the stores and let loose for the night, but thinking about it, coming home witha hangover from hell and 7 different guys with 891 different problems/attachment issues in tow, isn't always the solution to a bad week so... scratch that one.


___________________________

...And now you're wondering where in the world I find the time to actually think up all these solutions, and try em, testdrive em out before I okay them outside of strictly my access. I don't. But it is the upside of getting stuck with several bad weeks on my record, I'll leave it at that. I'm living proof that even the most [seemingly] happy-go-lucky people in this world get delivered with those days, and weeks, from hell. And according to many, I haven't exactly mastered the art of faking a smile yet, so I can't let it destroy my social reputation. I hafta limit my bad moods to only a few days atta time and at least attempt to finda solution, or else I'd have no friends anymore.

And there you have it, advice/suggestions from the pointless and oh so creative thoughts of Court. I am planning on publishing a book one day, if you're at all wondering. I mean, Oprah always lectures on making sure you havva resort to fall back on if your career/marriage/childhood dreams fail...

c'est la vie


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

oh, my mary jane shoes...

And when you're not a little boy anymore, when the world has taught you how to be a man... Then you'll still make mistakes. But your family, and all those good friends you've made along the way, will help you. And even though you'll think the world has gone out of it's way to teach you all the tough lessons, you'll realize that it's the same world that's given you your family and those friends, you'll come to believe that no matter what happens, somehow the world will protect you, too. "Boy Meets World." Now I get it. Boy Meets World

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

lalalaaalla la

"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental - like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both.
Maybe both is happening at the same time."

Forrest Gump

Monday, January 5, 2009

Betrayal of what birth promised us.

I am someone, with something, going somewhere. I'm convinced honesty gets you wherever you are meant to be in life. I have a worthy future somewhere down the pathway that I'm slowly treading upon, and I may not see it now, but I think that's my fault. I'm always waiting for this big epiphany to happen, just bam! and just like that I'll know what I want, how to chase after it, who I'm supposed to be, have all the answers. You know, life's not like that though. Instead we were created to stumble and fall and get dirty, and pick ourselves up, drenched in dust and sin and guilt and mistakes and wash ourselves off. We were made to travel down the wrong pathways and catch ourselves and turn back around, making our footsteps, our own path, our own life, and hoping a light will be shone upon our path to guide us home. Our strength derives only from trials made to test how strong we really can be when it comes down to it. It's like we never know the definition of our character until something happens in life that puts it to the test. People don't walk in our lives for no reason, shit doesn't happen with no purpose behind it. It's all one big cycle of tests and failures and happiness, the good the bad, the ugly days and the beautiful. Slipping and then catching yourself when you slip. Just gotta keep that head held high and aim higher each and every day.

I've been slipping lately and I forgot howta breathe. I'm struggling down this dark path, down on my knees and unable to achieve anything halfway wonderful. All I'm seeking anymore is for life to look up, the sun to shine, hope to reign. I'm giving everything half the effort I used to, and I get it, it's simply a phase and everyone goes through it. But this tunnel has no end, no escape and I scare myself more and more everyday. All I need is light to awaken my senses, something wonderful and hopeful and refreshing and good.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I stumbled across this today and oddly enough, it triggered sucha strong effect on me:


"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Sea Tac Airport. General opinions starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspision love actually is all around."

Friday, January 2, 2009

why is it easier said than done? 010209.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."
Ayn Rand


It seems like life has been throwing me more trials than ever before. God's looking down at me goin, "Alright Court, this is my way of making you stronger and into who I'm creating you to become, and I just want you to accept it, get over it and toughen up." Thing is, my life has always been one big trial. Any step I take seems to be quick sand, my balance and control slipping every time I think I've stepped on solid concrete. The second I discover happiness it flashes before my eyes and disappears, making me wonder if it was really present in the first place, or if it was simply my imagination at work again. Life is based upon perspective: I don't know if I should look at my life and whine and bitch about all the downfalls, all the flaws in it, my constant lonliness and neverending trials, or feel grateful I'm thrown so many tests from the man upstairs, take it as learning experience after learning experience and take advantage of the opportunity to grow from them. Perhaps there's only one reason behind it and one reason only: to make me into the person I am supposed to become, help me grow and just to permit me to take all the life lessons I'm experiencing right now into my future, down the road I'm traveling.

It's not fair, but then again, life never really is fair. It'sa challenge we never asked for, given to us and giving us the choice to accept it as endless opportunity or one big struggle we will never overcome, but attempt to for years and years. I believe each and every experience thrown at us in life is simply a test, demanding us to make a choice, and our character is defined on how we survive it in the end, what we do and how we accept it. It's hard for me to sit down and write this, because I've experienced so much shit lately, and I haven't really sat down and reflected upon my life for months and months, and let me tell you... it's hard. It's hard as hell, because I'm to the point in life where I honestly don't know where to turn anymore. I was travelling down the road and I've come to the intersection, facing different street signs, unsure of which pathway to follow and lead myself down. I'ma lost soul, seeking satisfaction just like every other victim of life. I'm craving comfort and joy and assurance and just all around happiness, but so is everyone else. I feel run down by life anymore, defeated by the trials thrown at me, failing each test over and over and over again.

And I don't know why. I'm lacking the answers for everything in my life right now. Why does time move so fast? Why do we attempt to fight fate? Why do we fear change? Why are we so stubborn, and why is it so hard to just give it all over to Him and let Him control our lives? Instead we have to fight against the plans pre-determined for our us and our lives, pleading for hope the entire journey. We're given the option to lay it all on Him when we're specifically promised opportunity and satisfaction, a bright future, a good and wholesome life. Yet we reject the offer, determined to take advantage of our independence and prove ourselves by controlling our own lives, pretending we have all the answers and know what we're doing. Hell, I don't what my plans are for later tonight, much less do I lay out my future in fronta myself. No questions asked, I can admit to not having hardly any answers. I make mistakes, endlessly, but I'm assured these mistakes are helping me get to the place I'm going, shape me into the person I'm meant to be. I'm sick and tired of everything going on in my life at the moment, but perhaps that's my fault and I can do something about it. Accept the fact I will never have control of my life due to destiny, and simply roll with life, float among the tides and let em wash me up on any beach I belong at.

John Steinbeck once wrote, "It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live for our death brings no pleasure on the world." Despite the fact I don't know where my life is leading, where I'm going and who I am to become, there's one thing I do know, and that is that life is composed of two moments: birth and death. Most don't stop and realize it, but we are all somewhere in the middle right now. We have all been born, and we have assurance we're going to die. Whether it's in 57 years or tomorrow, death is one thing we are sure of. Now life is the challenge. We've committed to playing the game, and we can be delivered 'Game Over' at any given moment. It's not always our fault that we fall down, get hurt, scrape our knee, make mistakes. In fact, the majority of the time it's not. The guilt belongs to people who walk into our lives, and affect us - for the better or for the worse. Once they have affected us in some way, it is our choice to keep them around or take action and kick em out.

...That's what I've been struggling with for the past few days, weeks, months. August 14, 2008. I met someone who changed my life, and I'm currently still debating whether for the better or worse. The facts: I have never had so deep of chemistry with one human being before in my life. Our personalities meshed, and the passion between was disgustingly perfect, unexplainable to say the least. Naively, we were convinced we belonged together. And that was that, no ifs buts or ands, we had stumbled across what each of our hearts had been desperately seeking all our lives. It was a sense of fulfillment. One downfall: realistically, we could and never would work. Waiting two years for eachother was a sacrifice easier said than done. Life just wasn't on our side, and that was that. This little insignificant story helps define my story, the story of my life. It was one of the most painful struggles I've had to experience so far, and I still fight it every day of my life, because at that point of my life I was convinced I would never find someone comparable. I searched and I found, yet could not have. Life said no to me, and that's not the answer I wanted. The concept of fate is one I am constantly struggling with especially considering the fact I got stuck with overly rebellious genes. I'ma born rule-breaker and I'm possibly THE most stubborn person known to mankind. I don't do acceptance very easily. I fight and fight and fight, and the fact my heart overrules my head 99.1% of the time gets me in trouble. I don't do rules, reality or routine, and this is possibly why I have faced so many of the trials I have so far, I don't lead them on myself, but I unintentionally encourage them.

Nonetheless, there was one motivation behind this vent and it's simply because I don't understand life. I never have, I never will and you know, perhaps I'm not supposed to. Perhaps it's all in perspective and if we choose to see the glass half full or empty is up to us. Perhaps we don't need the answers, we should just try to overcome every trial and test thrown at us, despite how much pain and emotion they may bring to us, and move on and just live. Without trying to figure our lives out, ever, attempting to decode every message and analyze every moment and action and just live. Say screw it all and view each and every experience - good or bad - as a life lesson and new opportunity to grow and define our character.

I'm gonna end with the thought and truth that time changes everything. I've been reminded this over and over again in my short little 17yrold life, and I cannot agree with anything more. It really does. As much as we try to deny it and claim different, it's not possible. That crush on the schoolboy in which we revolve all our effort and attention on right now, is temporary, just like everything in life. As crazy and infatuated we may be about someone living 89201mi away from us, it's temporary. It may be the toughest thing in the world to simply forget about someone and move on, accept reality and give up, but it may be even more painful if we stay with it and give it our all and fight till the end... unless it's worth it. And that's what life's about it when it all comes down to it: the daily challenge and neverending struggle, there's our reason and rhyme and purpose. Without the game, we wouldn't put forth effort and further, wouldn't give a damn about fighting for what we want. It would come to us and it wouldn't be worthwhile because the only thing that gives something value is the fight and desire behind it.

I've recently stumbled across something in life that I've been looking for. Like always, there's that one factor that basically determines whether I can have it and call my mine or not. And it's up to me if I wanna use my head and be smart about the situation and accept reality, or overrule it all with my heart and choose to not give up on something I already know will be worthwhile. Regardless, I'm adopting a new perspective on life and from here on out I'm letting my life play out on its own, guiding me down the path with my name on it, and shaping me into the person I was originally meant to be. Perhaps we're supposed to take it day by day, and take advantage of every moment for the moment in itself and not the bigger picture. We are not supposed to analzyze everything that happens in our lives, yet appreciate the good things and fuck the bad. Am I going to run my life or let my life run me? To live or to be lived, that one's up to us.