let's play I wish we weren't growing up, and make it reality

what makes me happy today list

"Your happiness should always be a little out of reach. That's what keeps us going, the pursuit of happiness."

1. digging your nose in a fluffy coat of golden retriever when you're down.
2. the sunshine after a season of rain.
3. donnie darko playing in the middle of a thursday afternoon.
4. blogging/procrastinating .
5. loud laughter ringing in your eye.
taking a big sigh of relief realizing friday is less than 24 hours away.
6. turning the music up as loud as it goes when no one's home.
7. someone telling you that you made their day.
8. being inspired beyond words.
9. natural curls that take 35% of the time to work in the morning than straightening.
10. change, for the better.

oldies and sunshine

what makes me happy today list

"Be happy in the moment. That’s enough.”

1. artist cafés.
2. Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" replayed over and over again. And again, and again.
3. winter sunshine peeking its head out of the clouds and giving you a fresh, warm glow.
4. the new pepsi commercial that makes me wanna get up and dance.
5. breaking the caffeine rule and sipping coffee at 4:30 in the afternoon.
6. finding really, really incredible refreshing blogs that I just can't keep my eyes off of.
7. sunrises, even if most mornings I'm still asleep or showering when she rises.
8. homemade hot tamale applesauce and cinnamon.
9. anticipation for a new day tomorrow, and for spring to be here.
10. unexpectedly finding pennies, or dollar bills in pockets of jeans you haven't worn in years.

She said jump, I said I'm pro-life.

"I'm dedicating my life to the greater cause of ending world suffering. To push aside race and religion and help pursue the dream of so many before me that have fallen victim to corruption or the hands of those who oppose them. I see no other greater purpose in life for me than this. I hope to pursue and inspire through photography or anyway I can."

I hope today's episode of "telling a story with pictures in place of words" did your day some justice, as good/bad as it turned out to be. Sometimes I have nothing to say, sometimes the world speaks loud enough on its own and I just don't want to raise my voice to interrupt a silence beautiful enough standing on its own.

Current Sweet Obsessions

I just can't get enough of bottomless cups of coffee the second I roll outta bed. Mini wheats, only the ones with a shit ton of frosting on 'em (stop laughing) (seriously, stop it, I blame Costco and their good deals entirely for my newly-established love/problem). 90210, it's gotten so bad I'm counting down the days till new episodes come back on via mental calendar... and phone. Apple, yogurt, cashew and honey parfaits. Breakfast, lunch or dinner, I just can't help myself. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, right? Well I can't imagine what three does... Victoria Beckham, need I say more? She's as beautiful as her I-would-be-all-over-that-like-butter-on-a-pancake-if-I-had-the-chance very nice and good-looking hubby, and don't even get me started on her denim line [in which I can afford an inch of fabric of]. Really, VB, if you're at all interested in being best friends in another life, just shout out to your girl. I'm all ears and have a unsigned contract permitting the paparazzi/you to move to Seattle if you have to ready and waiting to print on Microsoft Word. Call me! Vintage weddings. Or flickr'ing pictures of them and drooling uncontrollably, at least. It's a good thing I don't have a boyfriend at this point in my life or he'd be in trouble and be hinted at a 15k rock and hundred-year-old lace veils on a daily basis. I know I always say I'd rather be a bridesmaid any day, but c'mon... I think that was before I laid eyes on Vera Wang's mod collection. Adding sugar-free vanilla and cinnamon to my coffee. Cinnamon, period. Dr. Oz says it's healthy for our hearts, so basically I'm saving my life on the daily. See? Addictions really are healthy in the long run. Lily Allen. And -like music. Pandora knows my middle name at work even, what the hell is happening to me? Googling to-die-for New-York-Times-acclaimed recipes and rushing to my oven and pretending like I know how to cook in the first place. Baking, cookies in particular. I repeat: I don't know whether to blame it on something in the season or if this is a normal process of growing up, but I feel out of my element. It's incredible, I love it. Dreaming about sunshine. More than usual, I mean. Which leads to detailed springbreak '10 planning and etc. Craigslist shopping, and dragging my father out to buy his princess a pretty little VW consider what's a good deal and what's not for ME to buy on my OWN so I don't get SCAMMED by some creepy sales guy.

I also like experimenting with runway-model it-looks-like-a-tornado-just-hit-it,-but-it's-cute! hair, testdriving '03 Passats, thrift shopping, photography in/with/around mirrors, listening to Jessie James, intellectual conversations over a cup of joe, politics (and screaming at and asking Obama if he's stupid? in my head), sitting down and really thinking about where I'm going in life, and sugar. I'm craving sugar like no other lately and I don't know what's up, I'm not extra emotional/imbalanced so who knows.


I'm really into this getting-up-outta-my-chair and just going these days, too. I've done the lowkey phase, and I've done the go-out-every-weekend-after-work-and-drink-until-I-have-assured-an-allday-hangover-for-the-next-day phase, and quite frankly, I'm over both. I'm just interested in life right now. In exploring, in adventures, in satisfying my curiosity, in waking up to a fresh breath of air every day, in swinging on swings and walking on the beach barefoot. I'm finally happy. Lonely, but undeniably happy. I think this is what life is ultimately about, simplicity and appreciating the little things, because that's what defines my life at the end of the day anyway. Surprises, piggyback rides, unexpected letters in the mail, exchanging smiles with strangers, daisies mistaken for flowers, getting dirt in my fingernails, getting messy, and breaking the rules, just a little, enough to say you did it. "It is about absurdity."

Make your mark today, take a deeper breath than yesterday and hold that smile for just a second longer. Pray a little stronger, search a little deeper, love a little more. Just do it. You know you wanna...

vintage shadows and lace

{photo taken from It's A Mermaid}

Lessons From the Boobtube

What I've learned from TV over the past few years

"Dreams die hard and you hold them in your hand long after they have turned to dust."
{Dennis Quaid | Dragonheart}

"Here's my philosophy on dating. It's important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, somebody that, y'know, turns you on... And it's really, really important that these three people don't know each other."
{Brooke Davis | One Tree Hill}

"Happiness comes in many forms -- in the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dream come true, or in the promise of hope renewed. It's okay to let yourself be happy because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be."
{Lucas Scott | One Tree Hill}

"There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of, because when you put a face on it you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it. Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure."
{Whitey | One Tree Hill}

"A trick is something whores do for money. Or Coke."
{Gob Bluth | Arrested Development}

"Let me let you in on a secret. Zip codes? They're meaningless."
{Newman | Seinfield

"It's the rule of life that everything you have always wanted comes the very second you stop looking."
{Sex & the City}

"Growing up sucks. Not all kisses are magic, and most boys do not live up to your expectations, but there are those times when everything, I mean love, romance, relationships, it all falls together perfectly and it's incredible. It's those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between, that make growing up worth it."
{Boy Meets World}

"Short of a miracle, there is no way she could have revived."
"Why does God get all the credit whenever something good happens?!"
{Dr. House | House}

"Everything is alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end."
{Boy Meets World}

"'Cause I'm a Tribbiani, and this is what we do! I mean, we may be not great thinkers, or world leaders, don't read a lot, or run very fast... but damn it, we can eat!"
{Joey Tribbiani | Friends}

And in this world all you have is your face to decide whether you succeed..."
{8th & Ocean}

"Don't miss out on what's happening right now, just because you're waiting for something better to come along."
{Full House}

"In this city I've learned two things: like everybody and trust no one."
{The Hills}

“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out; They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines... or you can live your life crossing them.”
{Grey's Anatomy}

"We are all searching for someone. that special person who will provide us what's missing in our lives. someone who can offer companionship or assistance or security. and sometimes if we search very hard, we can find someone who provides us with all three. yes, we are all searching for someone. and if we can't find them, we can only pray they find us."
{Desperate Housewives}

"To love someone when there is no chance of that love ever thriving... that is romance."
{Dawson's Creek}

And my personal favorite that makes me laugh and never gets old:
"The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole."
{George Carlin}

Recycle & reuse: don’t waste the one life you’ve got.

Let’s face it: saving the planet is the hottest new thing these days. Green is the new black. (Unless you’re going to a Dior fashion show in NYC’s Meat-Packing District.) (Or a funeral.) (Plus, it doesn’t flatter my heart as well as black does.)

Anyhoodle.

In all seriousness (yes it’sa new word in my vocabulary), I’ve been in this deep, reflective mood lately (weird, I KNOW, tell me about it) and what inspired it? Nothing other than looking through pictures of the past three years of my life (complimented with tons of “omg, look at me!”s and “Omg, do you remember…”s and “Why in the hell did I post that on face book? My hair looks like Katrina’s sister just swept through it”s.) If The Courtney Show were a published chapter book out on the market, you’d most likely find them under The Best/Hardest/Most Emotional Years of my life. Don’t get me wrong, being a teenager has its advantages. You don’t have to worry about remembering to pick up anti-wrinkle cream on your to-do list while you’re running errands, for starters. Besides the couple [hundred] (give or take a few) boyfriends and boy friends you go through (speaking of recycle...), you don’t have any real commitment to anyone. That might’ve come out wrong, because when I find myself in a relationship, whether we’ve been together for three weeks or three months or three years, I don’t go out and kiss all the other fish in the sea. Ever. Commitment’s a big word in my vocabulary, and I’m beyond the world’s best girlfriend loyal and dedicated to my man, no exceptions. But there is no commitment up on the marriage level in high school, or at least not in my life.

(Seriously, don’t even get me started on those been-together-since-elementary-school-and-WILL-NOT-EXPERIMENT-WITH-OTHER-PEOPLE couples.)
(Don’t mind the capslock, I’m probably just secretly jealous.)

If love gets messy, you can run away. If doubt or confusion or hot tempers or “I want out”s sneak up on you, you can walk out. Just like that. I kinda like to think of it as a 24/7 personal-use escape route that’s not ever discussed but resorted to when worse comes to worse. When you’re married, you can’t really do that. You’re stuck for life (or so the contract says), and it’s not weddings are exactly free these days. If things get rough, it’s expected of you to actually work and work, and work and WORK at it to get through it and come out with a smile on (or at least civil behavior towards your spouse.)

Anyway. Getting to the point (or trying to)...

High school’s really not that tough. So why are hormones at their peak when it’s supposed to be the best years of our lives? It’s not fair if you ask me.

It’s so easy to waste your life, especially without realizing it. I mean a busy couple of months hit you and it’s school school school or work work work, and the play aspect of life kind of gets thrown on the back shelf where it gets dusty and forgotten about. You slowly start to lose sight of what life’s really about, and forget to make time for the good stuff in your day. Laughs are slowly died out, your favorite TV shows and quality time with your honey is pushed into first gear and becomes second priority, when, really, that’s what makes our lives so worthwhile.

(Even if it’s the simple stuff. It matters, too.)

It’s become one of my biggest fears to fall in the trap of wasting my life, of making it all work and no play, mostly because I AM a workaholic by nature. (Shopoholic once had a better ring to it, but that got pricey and apparently my parents and debt aren’t too good of friends.) I dedicate myself to something - enroll my ass in school, peptalk myself that I WILL get better grades than last year or “WSU will NOT accept you if you suck so much, Court” - and I run with it. Which, according to some people/studies, is a great trait to have. But when you forget to play and actually let loose and enjoy life, what’s great about that?

Don’t waste your life. Lucky for me, I learned this early on and at least see where I don’t wanna end up and that I DON’T wanna get stuck at the office opposed to out on the town with girlfriends/snuggled up on the couch with my favorite boy in the world, the dog The Boyfriend. Value your resources. Live a little. Laugh, get out, stop working so hard and live. Go green, just do it. You know you wanna.

dear life, please give me a break.

Why does it take a downslide, falling down and rolling around in the dirt for awhile and then picking ourselves back up, dusting off the scars and brushing away the black and blue, to realize that the world is so beautiful? Next time you find yourself with some freetime in the middle of autumn, don’t waste it. Go take an afternoon stroll and forget the iPod or the kids or the dog or the boyfriend at home, and just walk. Look. Explore, live, appreciate. Soak it up. Life finds a way to whoosh past us before our eyes and we never really know where it goes until we stop and take a breath. School, work, chores, change the oil spank the brats “do my laundry!” whip up dinner wash the floor pay the bills don’t be late close the door feed the pups pick up milk fill the prescription wish your niece happy birthday call your boss runrunrunrunrun WHEN’S IT GONNA STOP? When are we permitted a break from life without earning ourselves a self-assumed guilt trip just because we’re not on the go? If not now, when? Get away, run away, find your escape route and put it to good use. Because when you finally let go and stop letting your agenda run your life, you begin to run your own show; it’ll start bowing down to you and not vice versa. Get your priorities straight. Get your hustle on. Get up and take action when it’s come, and let loose when it’s time. Stop caring, not about the world but about every little detail in your day. It will not matter tomorrow, nor the day after or the day after that.

Stop. Breathe. Laugh.


Sometimes this feeling comes over me like there’s not enough time for everything I want to do, the timer’s gonna run straight to the ground and life’s gonna disappear while I’m still busy thinking about who I wanna be or what I wanna be doing with it, and I just get really anxious and scared and start pacing. Who said life was supposed to be a race, stay breathless and timed to the finish line?

And then sometimes I look around and get overwhelmed by all the beauty I see. I cannot fathom how the world is made up of this much beautiful, of this much wonderful and happiness and opportunity and carelessness. It’s so damn beautiful, and my feet pick me up and start booking it through this meadow of deep aggressive green and yellow and white daisies, a blue sky running on forever accenting the horizon, and I just can’t stop. We‘re gonna have our bad days and we‘re gonna be faced with trials. The tears are gonna run and, you know, the world will not always be on our side and lend us a hand to grab and squeeze, “but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but don't worry, you will someday.” It’s worth it, I promise you this. Next time the stars are out and you have a minute to spare, step outside in the freezing winter cold and just free your heart for a moment in time. Don’t lose sight of who you are and why you’re here because I make that mistake on average of about 7x a week, and, when we reserve a mere five minutes to ourselves each and every day, it’s the simplest thing to do. But when we get to that point where we realize we’ve lost ourselves and don’t know how to clear the road in finding our way back to where we started, where are we supposed to run to? When we don’t know who we are anymore and we find ourselves facing a dark tunnel that continues for miles, what else matters? Stare up at the black screen and focus the bigger picture into perspective. Don’t let the world swallow you up whole without one hell of a battle. Don’t let the arguments lead to destruction, don’t let society tell you who you are, don’t feed the fire, and don’t let that spark go out; do not lose sight and never stop loving. It’s worth it, it’s always worth it if you continue the fight and live your heart out until the final breath.

a dose of some friday spice.

Have I mentioned how much I love waking up (okay, reluctantly dragging my sleepy ass outta bed when I had finally became conscious enough to see it was already 7:51am) only to rush my getting-all-dolled-up-for-work-and-the-day routine and race into work (which included going 15mph, at least, over the speed limit on the main roads, for the record), only to get a call from my boss two minutes before I'm supposed to open up shop and welcome in business. It went a little something like this:

"Hey, uh.. Court? I am SO sorry, but..."

*in my best attempted it's-10-o'clock-on-a-friday-morning-but-I'm-just-gonna-pretend-as-though-I-got-out-of-bed-by-choice act* "Goooood mornin' buttercup, what's up. You wouldn't be calling me before noon if something wasn't up."

"...you got me. I'm assuming you're already starting to open up but do you think... would you mind coming back at three or four and working all night?"

*long pause* "Jax..." [except it was in my sarcastic, over-exaggerated tone of voice and not my bitchy employee one]

"I know, I know, just work with me, [insert boss's husband's name here] just got called in and I have no one to watch the kids and..."

"Oh, get your butt in here. Oh, and you owe me one."

And that's how my morning got started. Not to mention a mere three minutes later I looked down to see my phone vibrating and picked it up only to be welcomed with a: "You like white chocolate lattes, right?" My disorganized and involuntary boss at it again, and this time determined to redeem herself at least. Psh, working over employees with their favorite morning snack, is that even legal? An utter waste of 7 miles of gas and one hot coffee fix later, and I was one tired/moody/delighted girl. At least I got a nice and hot caffeinated apology out of it, right? (I also failed to mention that she conveniently managed to time her call when I was already 95% of the way through opening up the shop. Extra brownie points for me for not screaming in frusteration and going with the flow instead?)

On a separate note, TGIF, and I cannot say that any louder/type that any more noticeable. Ah, there's just something about that distinct feeling of waking up and having the first thought pop in your mind be that it's the last day of the week I have to use an alarm. On the brightside, and I should buying my boss's ass coffee for this one since she's to blame, the clock has yet to strike noon and I'm up and ready to take on the day - dressed, fed, sitting down to blog my morning away with my coffee fix in hand, and even almost awake. It's going to be a good day, ladies, so my instinct says at least. My schedule calls for me to go in again by 3, and if business is as slow as it is half the time, that just means I'll have another five hours to blog my life away. And find a minute to sweep in there, of course.

What about you guys, stuck with the getting-weekend-plans-in-order-while-procrastinating-at-work syndrome yet? Any exciting details or stories in your day so far? I'm in the best and yet most chill/relaxed mood ever, and happy hour hasn't even hit so I'm convinced, and crossing my fingers, that today's just going to be one of those allday good-mooders, and for your sake, hopefully it's contagious. Chances are ya'll will hearing from me continuously throughout the day seeing as work is currently SLOW and wonderful and not too demanding these days, but if not, make it a fantastic weekend and be ready to get your lovely selves back here come Monday with some worthwhile and entertaining stories/awkward moments/juicy girltalk we can all soak up, and knowing me, relate to.

the W-word.

Reasons Why I Love Wednesday Mornings Even More So:

#1. Because today I have a 99% higher chance of adopting the title as a certified barista than yesterday. Yes, you heard me right, the interview went smoothly and FANTASTIC, and *fingers still crossed* as, naturally, I don’t know the verdict yet, but let’s just say damn, I’m good. I mean, let’s get real here, not everyone can turn their stress and anxiety into positive energy and have it benefit themselves in the long run. Oh, and that strong fix of coffee earlier in the AM today didn’t hurt too much either. I’m not going to lie though, I wouldn’t mind coming home with coffee stains on my dark wash People Liberations and cute white tops every once in a while. That or proudly jotting down “Barista” on myspace surveys when asked about my job.

#2. Because Wednesdays happen to always be the days where my conscious favors my extreme (and probably unhealthy) coffee addiction over my extreme-but-apparently-more-mild-than-love-for-coffee desire for weight loss (okay, not so much weight loss as my desperate longing for my abs to finally peek through!) and I give in and treat myself to stopping at the local espresso stand. And not just any local espresso stand, but my favorite one of the three hundred million in the same five-mile perimeter of my house. One “16oz. iced white chocolate Americano with nonfat milk instead of water, double shot please” and one hell of a mood lifter and energy boost that goes hand in hand coming right up. And when I say it’s my favorite all across town, don’t you think I don’t have my reasons.

Starbucks is my high-maintenance (hello, over $3 for something that‘s going to last me a mere two hours and I‘ll pee out by dinnertime? There goes my new car/college funds…) once-a-week indulgence and I’ll only throw a mini-internal temper tantrum when I have to settle for any other ‘Coffee Bean’ or ‘Caféista’ or some other generic, but entertaining, attempt at a creative espresso-inspired name. But in order to qualify as favorite in my book, you have to: be close (face it, girls, I’m not faithful enough customer to agree to throw away more money in gas to GET to it than what my actual drink alone costs). Be not-semi-but-very affordable (see above for evidence that I’m not made out of money, and finding ones in my push-up bra every once in a while is an exception, gotta love the perks of having a goofy boyfriend?). The girls must be wearing clothes; just for the record, I’m giving you business for my own pleasure, and that unfortunately doesn’t include anything to do with wanting other straight girls giving me a show in their lacy thongs and X-rated lingerie. I don’t want to see your boobs anymore than your grandmother, get over it you damn hoochie! And to finalize the list, you gotta be a straight up fun and upbeat environment. Oh, and make damn good coffee. And in following my strict rubric, you’ll get those beautiful green George Washingtons in your tip jar/cup and you will make your boss happy. And as of now, only one has done so, and thus I am faithfully committed to it for my every-other-daily caffeine fixes from there and there only.

I also have this habit of taking my time when I stop. You see, more than a good 78% of the girls who work there would qualify as “friends” of mine (or life companions in a more logical sense, because none of my real ‘friends’ even offer to bow down and serve my ass and whip up coffee for my delight), and as the interested-in-people person I am [on good days], it’s only natural for me to ask ‘em how their days are going, politely comment on the weather and the latest gossip in politics and US Weekly, are you hiring yet?, etc. And their life story, if I’m in the mood. I’m not categorized as the generic friendly, but I do love spending the time to get to know someone if I think they’re worthy in my book. And seeing as I adore each and every one of my usual baristas, I go forth and do my thing. Once, I even spent a good 20 minutes or so with my car in park as the girl who was working and I covered bases from feng shui’ing the bedroom I had newly moved into to what we thought of ‘s death, to our mutual recently-founded reputations as Food Network junkies and our secret desire to learn how to cook without seeing black when you reach into the oven for the final product. I really wish I was kidding, too. Hey, we all have our quirks/flaws/stories, right? Needless to say, it makes my day, and preferably Wednesday, when I drop on by the stand for my mid-afternoon coffee run and see what’s new with my women. Except I’ve learned the hard way, by a rude streams of honking in attempt to scoot my ass out of the line so everyone can get their drinks. So I’m female, I have a lot to say. Apparently they don’t like that. I’m good at picking my cues (except you wouldn’t know that if this is the first thing you’re reading upon entering my blog), and I really know when it’s my turn to shut my mouth and put a ‘the end’ of whatever story I’m telling, when the dirty looks I negligibly acknowledge in the rearview mirror turn into the one tangible English translation that you’re on someone’s hit list: the middle finger. So, my Americano happily in the cup holder (and the ice magically halfway melted already), I make my exit and begin the part of the day that actually matters to me. I may have pissed everyone on their 3 o’clock work break on Main Street off, but hey, I managed to throw some good conversation in my day, did I not?

#3. (Making the rest of these super short to balance out my essay-length potential numero dos.) Because the sunshine always shows its face on Wednesdays. Whether it’s a quick three minutes of sneaking out of the gray skies it’s hiding behind, or an allday event, the stuck-in-the-middle-of-the-week mode always call for a bit of hope/UV rays. Always. And I love it.

#4. Because I always manage to find myself down with the Is-Friday-Here-Yet? syndrome and have a habit of beginning to mentally plan my weekend out during slow hours at work. (I get paid only slightly over minimum, plus commission, so I have a right to slack off and waste time a little bit… besides, I’m probably the world’s most successful procrastinator, ever. Ever.)

#5. Because there’s always, and mark my words, always mid-week leftovers in the fridge from Sunday-Tuesday night dinners. Or it’s a really good day when I stumble across Chinese takeout or some 4-star-spicy teriyaki yakisoba from when I was too lazy after an all-dayer at work to put my creativity to good use and cook for myself on Saturday night. Mmmm, nothing’s more delicious than day-(or two)-day-after meals, and I suggest you try it sometime if you have refused to up this point due to sanitary issues. Trust me, there’s just something about giving that casserole a few more hours to refrigerate and having all the ingredients mesh together a little bit more for the best possible flavor ever…

#6. Because something surprising or unexpected always sneaks somewhere into my Wednesdays. That monthly Glamour makes its presence known when I walk down to get the mail, or an old ex (the good kind only though) posts a dorky message via my facebook wall, or you drive the back way home from work past the lake and it’s smooth as paper and utterly stunning and you make yourself stop the car and turn off the radio and realize how much beauty you’re surrounded by in life (I know, I know, “Mother Nature is a gift and not a given” blah blah blah… so what if I sound like your mom/pastor, get over it!). I’m convinced by now it’s the little things in life that are thrown together to make the beautiful results, I could live on life’s simplicities and life’s simplicities only, and be fine with it.

#7. Because, at the end of the day - blame it on the probably-expired-and-should-be-thrown-out-soon leftovers, or espresso stand pick-me-up (and causing drama, which contributes to the public’s tolerance levels, and my entertainment), or good weather or simply the fact that I’ve successfully managed to make it halfway through the week without dying due to my extreme trademarks of sleep deprivation/caffeine overdose/road rage - I fall asleep with a smile on my face. And damnit, as stressful or hectic or downright crazy as life can get sometimes, I’d do it a million times over just to go to bed happy and comfortable by Wednesday night (or morning, depending on just how crazy the week really is and how much zzz’s I have to sacrifice for work/school). No matter how many “WTF?!” moments we’ve had in the week, or how many times that jackass in the red Subaru takes the parking spot our heart/love of having not to walk 0.7 of a mile just to get in the building was set on, but we’ve made it to Wednesday, and now I’m saying where’s that Coor’s I deserve?


And I just realized half the time I make lists, whether daily to-do’s or these, I have a tendency to stop at #7. Hmm. We all have our quirks, some of us are just seem to be more obvious about them than others…

all is good and all is well.

Reasons Why I’m In Love With Tuesday Summer Mornings:

#1. You roll outta bed consciously expecting to be faced with a lengthy to-do list, but are surprised when you come to your senses and realize you have… nothing to do. Spontaneity/creativity here we come.

#2. 99.5% of the time you look out the window within 3 minutes of dragging your ass out of bed [big accomplishment for some of us, so self-pride is already soaring by this point] only to see depressing weather. Seriously, it’s like the weather and its weather forecaster [who is convinced he holds the power in that relationship by the way, pisses me off to no end] have this secret deal or unwritten contract stating it WILL be gray and cloudy and blah on Tuesdays. And let me tell you, those gray skies have got lazy and PJ’s and hot cuppa joe and food network/project Runway marathon written all over it, so I guess that weatherman should feel as though he can go on and do whatever he damn well pleases because I usually don’t object him determining my mood in the long run.

#3. Grocery shopping, need I say more? If I’ve failed to establish my mild addiction to supermarkets, here it is: SAFEWAY/ALBERTSON’S/HAGGEN’S owns my soul, and always has. I kid you not [and I wish I was considering how much shit I get for it from my friends], I treat the day I “have to” make a trip to the grocery store as some sort of sacred holiday. It’s just walking/running/skipping/any other form of exercise you very well choose to perform while picking up your necessities [and trust me, I’m known to get creative depending on my energy level] up and down every aisle, knowing once you reach the end and ‘round that corner, only bigger and better things are to present themselves… it’s like a Hollywood thriller, some kind of suspense flick. You never know what’s going to be on sale or, better yet, if new products have hit the shelves and are soaking up their 15 minutes in the time between the time you step foot in the store and last week’s Tuesday grocery run. And don’t get me wrong, bakeries, flea markets, delis of all kinds… they all fall under the category of One Of My Favorite Things In Life. Oh, and not to mention whenever I’m on one of my food adventures, I’m just so inspired to re-start up my not-so-healthy health kick [I’m known to go overboard whenever d i e t is in my monthly vocabulary, and my all-or-nothing personality is to blame]. I see it almost as a competition: I pass people with carts piled high with HFCS-dominant sugary cereals and horribly processed frozen TV dinners, and I consciously think to myself, I’m gonna show them, okay guys, nutritionally-smart Dr. Chissus has entered the building, “can you please point me in the direction of yogurt and broccoli?” Eating healthy makes me feel on top of the world, because, well, my waistline is a whole hell lot smaller than yours so HA. Nonetheless, Tuesdays are reserved for grocery shopping and has been ever since Mom got me hooked on it [I view it as a hobby and not a chore for the record] when I was a little girl.

#4. Coffee’s always more satisfying on a Tuesday. Whether it’s that aroma of strong black off-brand Costco/Starbucks-mixed making its way throughout the house and to your bedroom, and nostrils, or a relaxed internet-blogging session at the local café while soaking up a lowkey and wonderful day, or a quick Starbucks afternoon fix, there’s something spicier about it come the second day of the week. [Note: if the thought hasn’t crossed your mind until I said something, now I bet you’re thinking about it and going, “You know what?, damn, I think she’s really on to something here…”] Maybe I’m speaking for myself, but it seems as though I always fail to make time for a Starbucks run between running errands and OCD’ing my ass through the house, that or I don’t actually sit down and give my senses the opportunity to enjoy the cup of java in front of me on Mondays, and with that said, I try to make up for it on the following day. 12:23pm on Tuesday morning, August 11th, and I hear the café calling my name, mmm iced white chocolate double shot americano w/ nonfat milk , here we come…


#5. Tuesdays are not important. Which makes them fun. I mean think about it, Mondays are the start of the week, The Beginning, the sneak peek of what’s to come and what we should be expecting for the remaining six days, Wednesday is the middle mark of an-already hectic week, Thursdays we find ourselves in TGIF’s-almost-here!,-let’s-start-counting-down-the-hours-by-our-lunch-break-today mode, and Friday’s are, well, Fridays. Code for the best day of the week, English translation: oh hey girls night out with chilled strawberry martinis and cute little lime cosmos in hand, that or lazy night in after a godly long week of work/stress/finances/etc. with some action flicks and forgetting to watch the TV screen and getting distracted with action from the man. But… Tuesdays. Tuesdays. It’s insignificant name is just asking for a lazy/unproductive day [which actually, according to Webster’s, and me, has completely different definitions].

#6. I feel like dancing, all day. Blame it on the fact Beyonce songs keep making their way to my ears/energy level via radio, and I started my morning off right with my 11 o’clock Ellen fix and boy does that girl have it GOING ON. Not so much considering I’m happily taken [and very straight, if that wasn’t established anywhere in that last label] but hey, gotta give it to her, she’s cute for a lesbian. Well, I take that back, she has impressive dancing skills for a lesbian. Well actually, I have nothing to compare her to but… I feel like dancing. I reserve Tuesdays for my perky good moods, end of story.

#7. Let’s just get down to business here and go on a rooftop and SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS: you’ll never guess who I just received a voicemail from. *suspense building up among the audience* [I know, I know, I’m pretty good…] So I was doin’ my thing and pouring myself a glass of fat-free milk to compliment my PB&J whole-wheat flax waffle breakfast sandwich [oh, and if you’re not drooling yet, there’s a good chance that something is clinically wrong with you] and apparently my phone was stuck on silent from my nightly ritual in which I make damn sure nothing in the world will disrupt my good and wonderful 8 hours of beauty zzz’s. Outta the corner of my eye I look over only to see Sadie [yes, I have a nickname for my cell, don’t act like you don’t] glowing with her bright blue background and new… what was that?, new voicemail? Considering it’s not everyday that I get calls at 11:47am, and not only that but calls important enough to leave a voicemail, I’m going to admit that I got a tiny bit excited inside. I was stuck there, the gallon of milk still attached to my hand, fridge door wide open and standing there dumbfounded and confused and yet giddy just because no one EVER calls me before noon, on a good day. So there was only one thing to do: call my dear ol’ voicemail and check the shit out and see what was up. And thankthelord I did, because as soon as my still-half-asleep-self-proclaimed-NOT-a-morning-person self came to my senses and realized the message behind the message, a huge smile came over my employed-but-getting-a-depressing-15-or-so-hours-a-week ass. I was officially offered to meet for a job interview with [insert name of the girl who runs the show here] at a local espresso stand down by the airfields. Now, I thought to myself, don’t work yourself up too much, it’s just an interview. If we were to get technical though, what exactly are my chances? First of all, let’s do the basic math: I would look 100% HOT as a barista and killin’ the shots all day long, not to mention, as genes would have it, I’m personable as hell, and bubbly and friendly [on a good day] usually go hand in hand with that, I mean right? Forget it, confidence is skyhigh, I should have this in the bag. So *fingers crossed*, and cross ‘em tighter than usual, and I’ll come back with preferably good? news in a matter of 23 hours or less [seriously, who in their right mind schedules official biz at 11:15 in the morning? I guess she works/lives around coffee so she does have a right to, but whatev]. Chances are I’ll busy myself self-prepping interview questions and speaking in business terms and big words just to get in habit for the entire afternoon and night, and tonight’s sweet dreams will likely consist of me landing the job and serving local caffeine addicts, and getting tipped from wealthy business people on their way to their multi-million dollar jobs whose checkbooks aren’t even the slightest bit affected by this economy, right and left [can you say hello automatic/out-of-habit/etiquette commission?] and WHAT.T.F., calllllllmmm down Court. It’s a shot. It’s a chance. And a damn good one, and one I will own if I have any say in it.

Until tomorrow at noon when I [happily] break the news, go soak yourself up some afternoon happiness, a satisfying energy boost/caffeine fix, and for god sakes, make it a good day. After all, it’s Tuesday.

getting on my hands and knees and rollin' around in the mud for awhile - the undesired state we're thrown with from time to time.

I'm just gonna come out and say it: I wish relationships were available on speed dial, love a quick call away. Why thou shalt be so damn hard to come across, the good and lasting stuff I mean? I swear, it's like the second I find myself at the state I'm beyond happy and beyond comfortable and can see myself being stuck at for nearly the rest of my life, bam! and CHJSDEYHUQEYIFF, it all falls to pieces and my world falls apart, so it feels, ina blink of an eye. Can't I just walk up to Sabrina the Teenage Witch and request a potent little spice of "I'm-gonna-make-your-life-a-living-hell-for-what-you-think-you-can-actually-get-away-with-doing" that'll fuck up male hormones a bit, add some zest to the aftermath of relationship ends? I take that back, I think she's longtime retired by now. Get some cheesy advice from my girl Hannah Montana, maybe booka 3-hour appointment with [insert female celebrity who's happily married and has never had to resort to divorce here]? Whatever, heartbreak makes the world go 'round just as much as its classic rivalry these days. I'll come out a little bruised, a little messed up and a little torn, but stronger than I was before I made my entrance and proving myself to the world is exactly what I'll do. Survival of the fittest I like to call it. Who can tough out life's most brutal shit and who can make it out alive. Because, in the end, it's not that it doesn't matter, but only one thing matters. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door. Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the classiest of 'em all...

be tough, be beautiful and for godsakes, be grateful.
It's been fun and the memories are now a part of me, and this m'dear, is what it all comes down to.

I got a confession to make, that my heart would break to hear you say goodbye
You're my every dream, You're the threadwork to my seams / And you know that I can't lie, when I say I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop thinking about how.
My heart's empty without you, I just hate myself to think of you with someone else,
To hear you say goodbye / I love you for who you are, no more, no less, And you know that I can't lie, when I say. . .

my dreams will never come true without you

when does the ride finally start?

You wanna know what may be the strangest feeling in the world is? Waking up every morning and feeling as though your life is yet to begin, kinda put on hold for a long period of time and you're just stuck waiting... waiting for something, for someone, for that one thing to walk into your life and open your eyes, take you by the hand and lead you to who you're supposed to be, your future - your life. This right here may be my life, but something tells me it's gonna be so much more, so much more beautiful. I have my eye on one thing and one thing only, and goddamn is it beautiful. I imagine the road laid out before my feet and it's never been clearer to me than it is now, as I sit and watch and wait, and dream. Never a day comes to me that I'm not holding tight onto my vision of the future, what my life's gonna be two, three years down the road... and then ten. Twenty, thirty, forty, where the hell do I see myself? It used to be not only a question, but a fear of mine and now it's probably one of the most comfortable and assuring of my thoughts. I believe we choose our own pathways in life, but I didn't hafta choose; it came to me, it presented itself, and I accepted what I know is gonna be a lifetime of love and wonder and simply, happiness.

Patience has never been my forte, but the best things come to people who wait, and now I am/will be a living testimony of sucha theory. June 7th, june 8th, june 9th...

beauty in the breakdown. english translation: wednesday night procrastination.

It’s this emptiness. A distant feeling, a numbing of the body and you don’t know how long it is to stay. It’s unknown and foreign and this so utterly disgustingly socially-disapproved unfamiliar. It’s this constant suffering of emotions and the heart and




They call it loneliness.
Not so much loneliness but rather a desperate longing for him, a craving for the comfort and soothing of his voice to return, this unexplainable thirst for his presence. And the entire while you’re thinking, “What the hell am I doing? How did I permit myself to go in over my head?, why did I let my heart overrule my head yet again?"
It’s so hard. It’s been over seventeen years and this is all so ridiculous but I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I’ve never been so convinced this is a sign. I got my answer sooner that I thought I would have. I believe with everything I have this is simply a test: are we really as crazy about each other as we think?, Has something beautiful been created that not one of our friends will ever ever EVER understand, but we have found each other and from there created it?… Does absence really make the heart go fonder? Or is it as easy to move on and throw them outta our daily thoughts as it seems in our generation these days? You see teenagers/people “falling” so quickly, then hurting each other, arising from the ashes a little bruised and yet still untouched, attempting to act invincible and unaffected and emotionless? Nonchalant.
I used to be her. I had built a stonewall around my sensitive and naive and ever so vulnerable heart. The world had once seen my soft personality and I thought I had made a mistake in showing them; as I was growing up, I made an unconscious decision to change that and lead them onto believe I was touch and strong and as far from vulnerable as possible. In order to do so, I created an image dominant of independence, sharp wit, bravery, boldness, courage, strength, and the lack of potential vulnerability. I was convinced I held the cards in the game. I felt as though I controlled people, their emotions and worst, mine. I attempted to control who I was and what I felt and how I felt towards certain people at any given point in my life.

And I thought that was the perfect way of life. The only way of life.
I’ve slowly changed over the years, the months, even weeks.
I’m returning to my original nature. My sensitive heart and spontaneous but semi-rare spurts of vulnerability, my diehard love for my surrounding world… and certain people in it.
I no longer believe dependence is always a bad thing, a sign of weakness. Correction, only if you have found the right person.

I never thought I would find him. Really. I prayed about him, I was desperately seeking him in everyone I met. Deep down, I thought he wasn’t out there so what did I do? I attempted to create him in people who weren’t him at all. I built him up, down to every last quality, every last flaw. He was perfection. And I prayed. Oh, let me tell you, I’ve been praying for him since I was a little girl. Come to think of it, I honestly didn’t believe he was out there, he was out searching for me at that.
I had doubt, I doubted perfection. I sound like I’m worshipping him and the fact that I believe I’ve finally found him, and maybe in a sense I am. I’m worshipping the fact that I have never, never in my life felt this way towards someone. You know, we see fate on the big screen, classic Hollywood serendipity, yet it’s in our nature to doubt that, not someone, but the someone, is out there waiting/searching for us. And when we finally find them, we don’t know what to do. It’s this feeling like someone has taken my past of my shoulders and just said… “Now you can start living. The past seventeen years of your life has simply been preparation for meeting him and beginning your life in his presence.” With him, everything, and I’m talking everything, is just so different. Everything feels just so fucking right, call it instinct or… fate. I said it.
I’m falling down this long steep tunnel, it’sa straight shot down, and I’m just shooting down this thing head first with no consciousness or ability to stop and everything starts to get blurry and I don’t know where I am, at the beginning of the tunnel or near the end because everything is so dark but that’s the thing it’s just the OPPOSITE of dark - it’s this bright light that won’t shut off, and you continue dreading your days, waiting, just waiting for something to happen, something bam! to turn the switch, dim the light, but it doesn’t come. Alice sliding backwards down the hollow tree, down under the truck, passing life all along. It’s this exciting adventure and there’s no stop option, no pause button, no opportunity to get off the ride. But there is absolutely no reason in my mind to want to get off the ride, everything is so sweet and wonderful and… I just hope it’s everlasting. I’ve never wanted forever more. I’ve never wanted to spend my life, examine these words, spend my life with someone before I met him.


I met him and he changed everything. We were created for each other. He is the love of my life.
I don’t understand it, and you know, perhaps I never really will.
And that right there, I’m convinced, is the beauty of life. That surprise element, that looking back upon the past couple months and wondering where he even came from and how he ever so casually walked into my life but saying hell with it because none of it even matters. What matters is that I know someday, someday soon I will fall into his arms and we will be together. And it's as simple as that.




My life is one big complicated mess, but hell it’s beautiful.

thursday night definition of my life.

"when it rains, it pours."

and it's really as simple as that when it all comes down to it. All this time I’ve been so scared of falling into the hole and not being able to escape that I managed to dig myself into a even deeper one than I could ever imagine without realizing it. I took a shot, and I failed. I took it for granted and gasped for a clean inhale of air and smoke filled my lungs, and I’m looking around it, wondering where it came from. Wondering where this all got started in the first place and how in the hell I didn’t stop it before now. But that’s just that, something I struggle with everyday of my life: as much as I fight and fight and fight to be in control, that’s not how we’re created, that’s not how He wants it. I had my life set and yet God looked down upon my outline and shook his head in approval, took the paper and threw it behind his shoulder as a huge smile came upon his face in admiration. Your efforts were cute, but oh naïve little Court, you have no idea what’s in store for you, you have no idea of the beauty and the potential ova life I have set in stone for your future. Leave it to Him and all will be determined, and this I am convinced of.

There comes a point in all our lives where life just kinda stops and we’re forced to surrender. And for me, that time is now. I picture my life and I see an image of vulnerability and weakness and desperate despair down on her knees in the middle of a concrete street surrounded by city lights and the never-stopping commotion of life, rain pouring down upon her bloody hands and her bloody face, disguising her tears and soaking up her pain, staining the white sundress hugging her drenched body and cutting her bare feet with every falling drop. Ashes a shade of black and corrupt lay surrounding her, and with her sorrow, are being washed away by the current of the flood, violently rushing into the gutters of the street. She is lost and she is afraid; her life has finally hit rock bottom and from here, there are no answers, there is no hope. What once seemed worthwhile and beautiful now seems destroyed and ruined, fallen to the ground and shattered into a million little pieces. On the verge of giving it all up in a moment in time, at the snap ova finger, I look up only to see a boy staring down from an apartment window above. He’s holding a candle in hand and is gently peering down at me, his gaze striking through me and delivering a message, sending me words and encouragement and reason with a single look. A boy of six or seven and yet it all comes together, clicks in the back of my mind and ina single second the puzzle pieces of my life are thrown together and this unexplainable feeling comes over me. An epiphany speaks its piece, and I know. This has all happened for a reason, they are all staying around in my life for a reason. A bigger picture we may not understand, and really, that may be half the fun of it in the long run: not knowing, not knowing a damn thing ever gonna be thrown at us before it is. This may very well be the definition of life. We fall down, whether we’re violently shoved to the ground or we do the shoving upon ourselves. We get dirty, we get messy, we get bruised and torn and fucked up in the lost and found. But once we’re down, and I’m talking once we’ve hit rock bottom, the lowest of the lowest, we have two choices: either to crawl to the nearest safety net we can come across [note: the tempting yet dangerous option] or ask to take on a battle, that battle being to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off a bit, transform our mistakes into lessons and start anew, start fresh.

My life is one big complicated mess but hell, it’s beautiful.
I am living in guilt and angst and this state of constant fear from day to day, and up until now, I was trying to run away. I awake every morning and unwillingly drag my unmotivated ass outta bed and yet after I’m up, I wonder if a reason remains as to the why behind it all. The why I jumped outta bed, the why I’m taking another shot at life yet again when I failed yesterday, the why I keep going day after day after day. Why am I here? What am I doing here? I’m convinced by now I came into this world for more than just to deliver a laugh here and there, to add to the population ova little redneck town in godknowswhere, Washington, to spice a few lives up here and there but have no significant impact on the world itself. I am here for something bigger.

Take your focus off the small world you’re stuck in, and alternate your perspective to the bigger picture. There’s so much out there and so much for us to experience, to learn and grow from, and yet we’re adamant on staying firmly planted in our comfort zone, where we’re warm and secure and sheltered. Why is this? Let us not fear the next step yet trust in the foundation of our future. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? So we may slip and fall, and stumble down a road of pain and hurt, an altogether undesirable pathway. I’ve been there multiple times in the past months, and so have you. So what are we so goddamn afraid of? I’ve made some mistakes in the past few weeks, and acknowledging my superior nature and strive for perfection, I feel disgusting admitting it. But perhaps this is how I know I’m growing up, just being able to randomly breakdown in the middle of my busy life and on a normal thursday night and accept that I’ve successfully turned my life into something I never imagined I would, or could for that matter. I’m living in manipulation and deceit and a whole lotta other shit that I don’t feel quite ready to face eye-to-eye at the moment, but soon enough I will. And yet I’ll get over it, because on the brightside, this is what life’s about. It’s about experimenting different pathways and seeing where they individually lead, making different decisions and having to face and deal with the consequences, willingly or not-so-willingly. This is life, and I plan on living it regardless of how messy it may be at times, and hell tell me tell ya, it can get pretty bad. Arising from our ashes and finding/creating an escape route amidst our pain and our suffering is the challenge we are thrown with one intention: to overcome. To prove our strength not to the world but only to ourselves, to grow and to learn, and to look back on it years down the road and reminisce on how it shaped us into the person we are at that moment. Just as happiness is not permanent, a burden does not last forever. We rise up, and we fall down - and vice versa. After all, what purpose would life hold if there were no highs and lows, no fears and epiphanies and ceremonies and moments of failure, justa flat line we can remember as we lay upon our deathbed? Life is here, and life is now. Meet it.