getting on my hands and knees and rollin' around in the mud for awhile - the undesired state we're thrown with from time to time.

I'm just gonna come out and say it: I wish relationships were available on speed dial, love a quick call away. Why thou shalt be so damn hard to come across, the good and lasting stuff I mean? I swear, it's like the second I find myself at the state I'm beyond happy and beyond comfortable and can see myself being stuck at for nearly the rest of my life, bam! and CHJSDEYHUQEYIFF, it all falls to pieces and my world falls apart, so it feels, ina blink of an eye. Can't I just walk up to Sabrina the Teenage Witch and request a potent little spice of "I'm-gonna-make-your-life-a-living-hell-for-what-you-think-you-can-actually-get-away-with-doing" that'll fuck up male hormones a bit, add some zest to the aftermath of relationship ends? I take that back, I think she's longtime retired by now. Get some cheesy advice from my girl Hannah Montana, maybe booka 3-hour appointment with [insert female celebrity who's happily married and has never had to resort to divorce here]? Whatever, heartbreak makes the world go 'round just as much as its classic rivalry these days. I'll come out a little bruised, a little messed up and a little torn, but stronger than I was before I made my entrance and proving myself to the world is exactly what I'll do. Survival of the fittest I like to call it. Who can tough out life's most brutal shit and who can make it out alive. Because, in the end, it's not that it doesn't matter, but only one thing matters. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door. Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the classiest of 'em all...

be tough, be beautiful and for godsakes, be grateful.
It's been fun and the memories are now a part of me, and this m'dear, is what it all comes down to.

I got a confession to make, that my heart would break to hear you say goodbye
You're my every dream, You're the threadwork to my seams / And you know that I can't lie, when I say I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop thinking about how.
My heart's empty without you, I just hate myself to think of you with someone else,
To hear you say goodbye / I love you for who you are, no more, no less, And you know that I can't lie, when I say. . .

my dreams will never come true without you

when does the ride finally start?

You wanna know what may be the strangest feeling in the world is? Waking up every morning and feeling as though your life is yet to begin, kinda put on hold for a long period of time and you're just stuck waiting... waiting for something, for someone, for that one thing to walk into your life and open your eyes, take you by the hand and lead you to who you're supposed to be, your future - your life. This right here may be my life, but something tells me it's gonna be so much more, so much more beautiful. I have my eye on one thing and one thing only, and goddamn is it beautiful. I imagine the road laid out before my feet and it's never been clearer to me than it is now, as I sit and watch and wait, and dream. Never a day comes to me that I'm not holding tight onto my vision of the future, what my life's gonna be two, three years down the road... and then ten. Twenty, thirty, forty, where the hell do I see myself? It used to be not only a question, but a fear of mine and now it's probably one of the most comfortable and assuring of my thoughts. I believe we choose our own pathways in life, but I didn't hafta choose; it came to me, it presented itself, and I accepted what I know is gonna be a lifetime of love and wonder and simply, happiness.

Patience has never been my forte, but the best things come to people who wait, and now I am/will be a living testimony of sucha theory. June 7th, june 8th, june 9th...

beauty in the breakdown. english translation: wednesday night procrastination.

It’s this emptiness. A distant feeling, a numbing of the body and you don’t know how long it is to stay. It’s unknown and foreign and this so utterly disgustingly socially-disapproved unfamiliar. It’s this constant suffering of emotions and the heart and




They call it loneliness.
Not so much loneliness but rather a desperate longing for him, a craving for the comfort and soothing of his voice to return, this unexplainable thirst for his presence. And the entire while you’re thinking, “What the hell am I doing? How did I permit myself to go in over my head?, why did I let my heart overrule my head yet again?"
It’s so hard. It’s been over seventeen years and this is all so ridiculous but I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I’ve never been so convinced this is a sign. I got my answer sooner that I thought I would have. I believe with everything I have this is simply a test: are we really as crazy about each other as we think?, Has something beautiful been created that not one of our friends will ever ever EVER understand, but we have found each other and from there created it?… Does absence really make the heart go fonder? Or is it as easy to move on and throw them outta our daily thoughts as it seems in our generation these days? You see teenagers/people “falling” so quickly, then hurting each other, arising from the ashes a little bruised and yet still untouched, attempting to act invincible and unaffected and emotionless? Nonchalant.
I used to be her. I had built a stonewall around my sensitive and naive and ever so vulnerable heart. The world had once seen my soft personality and I thought I had made a mistake in showing them; as I was growing up, I made an unconscious decision to change that and lead them onto believe I was touch and strong and as far from vulnerable as possible. In order to do so, I created an image dominant of independence, sharp wit, bravery, boldness, courage, strength, and the lack of potential vulnerability. I was convinced I held the cards in the game. I felt as though I controlled people, their emotions and worst, mine. I attempted to control who I was and what I felt and how I felt towards certain people at any given point in my life.

And I thought that was the perfect way of life. The only way of life.
I’ve slowly changed over the years, the months, even weeks.
I’m returning to my original nature. My sensitive heart and spontaneous but semi-rare spurts of vulnerability, my diehard love for my surrounding world… and certain people in it.
I no longer believe dependence is always a bad thing, a sign of weakness. Correction, only if you have found the right person.

I never thought I would find him. Really. I prayed about him, I was desperately seeking him in everyone I met. Deep down, I thought he wasn’t out there so what did I do? I attempted to create him in people who weren’t him at all. I built him up, down to every last quality, every last flaw. He was perfection. And I prayed. Oh, let me tell you, I’ve been praying for him since I was a little girl. Come to think of it, I honestly didn’t believe he was out there, he was out searching for me at that.
I had doubt, I doubted perfection. I sound like I’m worshipping him and the fact that I believe I’ve finally found him, and maybe in a sense I am. I’m worshipping the fact that I have never, never in my life felt this way towards someone. You know, we see fate on the big screen, classic Hollywood serendipity, yet it’s in our nature to doubt that, not someone, but the someone, is out there waiting/searching for us. And when we finally find them, we don’t know what to do. It’s this feeling like someone has taken my past of my shoulders and just said… “Now you can start living. The past seventeen years of your life has simply been preparation for meeting him and beginning your life in his presence.” With him, everything, and I’m talking everything, is just so different. Everything feels just so fucking right, call it instinct or… fate. I said it.
I’m falling down this long steep tunnel, it’sa straight shot down, and I’m just shooting down this thing head first with no consciousness or ability to stop and everything starts to get blurry and I don’t know where I am, at the beginning of the tunnel or near the end because everything is so dark but that’s the thing it’s just the OPPOSITE of dark - it’s this bright light that won’t shut off, and you continue dreading your days, waiting, just waiting for something to happen, something bam! to turn the switch, dim the light, but it doesn’t come. Alice sliding backwards down the hollow tree, down under the truck, passing life all along. It’s this exciting adventure and there’s no stop option, no pause button, no opportunity to get off the ride. But there is absolutely no reason in my mind to want to get off the ride, everything is so sweet and wonderful and… I just hope it’s everlasting. I’ve never wanted forever more. I’ve never wanted to spend my life, examine these words, spend my life with someone before I met him.


I met him and he changed everything. We were created for each other. He is the love of my life.
I don’t understand it, and you know, perhaps I never really will.
And that right there, I’m convinced, is the beauty of life. That surprise element, that looking back upon the past couple months and wondering where he even came from and how he ever so casually walked into my life but saying hell with it because none of it even matters. What matters is that I know someday, someday soon I will fall into his arms and we will be together. And it's as simple as that.




My life is one big complicated mess, but hell it’s beautiful.

thursday night definition of my life.

"when it rains, it pours."

and it's really as simple as that when it all comes down to it. All this time I’ve been so scared of falling into the hole and not being able to escape that I managed to dig myself into a even deeper one than I could ever imagine without realizing it. I took a shot, and I failed. I took it for granted and gasped for a clean inhale of air and smoke filled my lungs, and I’m looking around it, wondering where it came from. Wondering where this all got started in the first place and how in the hell I didn’t stop it before now. But that’s just that, something I struggle with everyday of my life: as much as I fight and fight and fight to be in control, that’s not how we’re created, that’s not how He wants it. I had my life set and yet God looked down upon my outline and shook his head in approval, took the paper and threw it behind his shoulder as a huge smile came upon his face in admiration. Your efforts were cute, but oh naïve little Court, you have no idea what’s in store for you, you have no idea of the beauty and the potential ova life I have set in stone for your future. Leave it to Him and all will be determined, and this I am convinced of.

There comes a point in all our lives where life just kinda stops and we’re forced to surrender. And for me, that time is now. I picture my life and I see an image of vulnerability and weakness and desperate despair down on her knees in the middle of a concrete street surrounded by city lights and the never-stopping commotion of life, rain pouring down upon her bloody hands and her bloody face, disguising her tears and soaking up her pain, staining the white sundress hugging her drenched body and cutting her bare feet with every falling drop. Ashes a shade of black and corrupt lay surrounding her, and with her sorrow, are being washed away by the current of the flood, violently rushing into the gutters of the street. She is lost and she is afraid; her life has finally hit rock bottom and from here, there are no answers, there is no hope. What once seemed worthwhile and beautiful now seems destroyed and ruined, fallen to the ground and shattered into a million little pieces. On the verge of giving it all up in a moment in time, at the snap ova finger, I look up only to see a boy staring down from an apartment window above. He’s holding a candle in hand and is gently peering down at me, his gaze striking through me and delivering a message, sending me words and encouragement and reason with a single look. A boy of six or seven and yet it all comes together, clicks in the back of my mind and ina single second the puzzle pieces of my life are thrown together and this unexplainable feeling comes over me. An epiphany speaks its piece, and I know. This has all happened for a reason, they are all staying around in my life for a reason. A bigger picture we may not understand, and really, that may be half the fun of it in the long run: not knowing, not knowing a damn thing ever gonna be thrown at us before it is. This may very well be the definition of life. We fall down, whether we’re violently shoved to the ground or we do the shoving upon ourselves. We get dirty, we get messy, we get bruised and torn and fucked up in the lost and found. But once we’re down, and I’m talking once we’ve hit rock bottom, the lowest of the lowest, we have two choices: either to crawl to the nearest safety net we can come across [note: the tempting yet dangerous option] or ask to take on a battle, that battle being to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off a bit, transform our mistakes into lessons and start anew, start fresh.

My life is one big complicated mess but hell, it’s beautiful.
I am living in guilt and angst and this state of constant fear from day to day, and up until now, I was trying to run away. I awake every morning and unwillingly drag my unmotivated ass outta bed and yet after I’m up, I wonder if a reason remains as to the why behind it all. The why I jumped outta bed, the why I’m taking another shot at life yet again when I failed yesterday, the why I keep going day after day after day. Why am I here? What am I doing here? I’m convinced by now I came into this world for more than just to deliver a laugh here and there, to add to the population ova little redneck town in godknowswhere, Washington, to spice a few lives up here and there but have no significant impact on the world itself. I am here for something bigger.

Take your focus off the small world you’re stuck in, and alternate your perspective to the bigger picture. There’s so much out there and so much for us to experience, to learn and grow from, and yet we’re adamant on staying firmly planted in our comfort zone, where we’re warm and secure and sheltered. Why is this? Let us not fear the next step yet trust in the foundation of our future. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? So we may slip and fall, and stumble down a road of pain and hurt, an altogether undesirable pathway. I’ve been there multiple times in the past months, and so have you. So what are we so goddamn afraid of? I’ve made some mistakes in the past few weeks, and acknowledging my superior nature and strive for perfection, I feel disgusting admitting it. But perhaps this is how I know I’m growing up, just being able to randomly breakdown in the middle of my busy life and on a normal thursday night and accept that I’ve successfully turned my life into something I never imagined I would, or could for that matter. I’m living in manipulation and deceit and a whole lotta other shit that I don’t feel quite ready to face eye-to-eye at the moment, but soon enough I will. And yet I’ll get over it, because on the brightside, this is what life’s about. It’s about experimenting different pathways and seeing where they individually lead, making different decisions and having to face and deal with the consequences, willingly or not-so-willingly. This is life, and I plan on living it regardless of how messy it may be at times, and hell tell me tell ya, it can get pretty bad. Arising from our ashes and finding/creating an escape route amidst our pain and our suffering is the challenge we are thrown with one intention: to overcome. To prove our strength not to the world but only to ourselves, to grow and to learn, and to look back on it years down the road and reminisce on how it shaped us into the person we are at that moment. Just as happiness is not permanent, a burden does not last forever. We rise up, and we fall down - and vice versa. After all, what purpose would life hold if there were no highs and lows, no fears and epiphanies and ceremonies and moments of failure, justa flat line we can remember as we lay upon our deathbed? Life is here, and life is now. Meet it.

Betrayal of what birth promised us.

I am someone, with something, going somewhere. I'm convinced honesty gets you wherever you are meant to be in life. I have a worthy future somewhere down the pathway that I'm slowly treading upon, and I may not see it now, but I think that's my fault. I'm always waiting for this big epiphany to happen, just bam! and just like that I'll know what I want, how to chase after it, who I'm supposed to be, have all the answers. You know, life's not like that though. Instead we were created to stumble and fall and get dirty, and pick ourselves up, drenched in dust and sin and guilt and mistakes and wash ourselves off. We were made to travel down the wrong pathways and catch ourselves and turn back around, making our footsteps, our own path, our own life, and hoping a light will be shone upon our path to guide us home. Our strength derives only from trials made to test how strong we really can be when it comes down to it. It's like we never know the definition of our character until something happens in life that puts it to the test. People don't walk in our lives for no reason, shit doesn't happen with no purpose behind it. It's all one big cycle of tests and failures and happiness, the good the bad, the ugly days and the beautiful. Slipping and then catching yourself when you slip. Just gotta keep that head held high and aim higher each and every day.

I've been slipping lately and I forgot howta breathe. I'm struggling down this dark path, down on my knees and unable to achieve anything halfway wonderful. All I'm seeking anymore is for life to look up, the sun to shine, hope to reign. I'm giving everything half the effort I used to, and I get it, it's simply a phase and everyone goes through it. But this tunnel has no end, no escape and I scare myself more and more everyday. All I need is light to awaken my senses, something wonderful and hopeful and refreshing and good.

why is it easier said than done? 010209.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."
Ayn Rand


It seems like life has been throwing me more trials than ever before. God's looking down at me goin, "Alright Court, this is my way of making you stronger and into who I'm creating you to become, and I just want you to accept it, get over it and toughen up." Thing is, my life has always been one big trial. Any step I take seems to be quick sand, my balance and control slipping every time I think I've stepped on solid concrete. The second I discover happiness it flashes before my eyes and disappears, making me wonder if it was really present in the first place, or if it was simply my imagination at work again. Life is based upon perspective: I don't know if I should look at my life and whine and bitch about all the downfalls, all the flaws in it, my constant lonliness and neverending trials, or feel grateful I'm thrown so many tests from the man upstairs, take it as learning experience after learning experience and take advantage of the opportunity to grow from them. Perhaps there's only one reason behind it and one reason only: to make me into the person I am supposed to become, help me grow and just to permit me to take all the life lessons I'm experiencing right now into my future, down the road I'm traveling.

It's not fair, but then again, life never really is fair. It'sa challenge we never asked for, given to us and giving us the choice to accept it as endless opportunity or one big struggle we will never overcome, but attempt to for years and years. I believe each and every experience thrown at us in life is simply a test, demanding us to make a choice, and our character is defined on how we survive it in the end, what we do and how we accept it. It's hard for me to sit down and write this, because I've experienced so much shit lately, and I haven't really sat down and reflected upon my life for months and months, and let me tell you... it's hard. It's hard as hell, because I'm to the point in life where I honestly don't know where to turn anymore. I was travelling down the road and I've come to the intersection, facing different street signs, unsure of which pathway to follow and lead myself down. I'ma lost soul, seeking satisfaction just like every other victim of life. I'm craving comfort and joy and assurance and just all around happiness, but so is everyone else. I feel run down by life anymore, defeated by the trials thrown at me, failing each test over and over and over again.

And I don't know why. I'm lacking the answers for everything in my life right now. Why does time move so fast? Why do we attempt to fight fate? Why do we fear change? Why are we so stubborn, and why is it so hard to just give it all over to Him and let Him control our lives? Instead we have to fight against the plans pre-determined for our us and our lives, pleading for hope the entire journey. We're given the option to lay it all on Him when we're specifically promised opportunity and satisfaction, a bright future, a good and wholesome life. Yet we reject the offer, determined to take advantage of our independence and prove ourselves by controlling our own lives, pretending we have all the answers and know what we're doing. Hell, I don't what my plans are for later tonight, much less do I lay out my future in fronta myself. No questions asked, I can admit to not having hardly any answers. I make mistakes, endlessly, but I'm assured these mistakes are helping me get to the place I'm going, shape me into the person I'm meant to be. I'm sick and tired of everything going on in my life at the moment, but perhaps that's my fault and I can do something about it. Accept the fact I will never have control of my life due to destiny, and simply roll with life, float among the tides and let em wash me up on any beach I belong at.

John Steinbeck once wrote, "It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live for our death brings no pleasure on the world." Despite the fact I don't know where my life is leading, where I'm going and who I am to become, there's one thing I do know, and that is that life is composed of two moments: birth and death. Most don't stop and realize it, but we are all somewhere in the middle right now. We have all been born, and we have assurance we're going to die. Whether it's in 57 years or tomorrow, death is one thing we are sure of. Now life is the challenge. We've committed to playing the game, and we can be delivered 'Game Over' at any given moment. It's not always our fault that we fall down, get hurt, scrape our knee, make mistakes. In fact, the majority of the time it's not. The guilt belongs to people who walk into our lives, and affect us - for the better or for the worse. Once they have affected us in some way, it is our choice to keep them around or take action and kick em out.

...That's what I've been struggling with for the past few days, weeks, months. August 14, 2008. I met someone who changed my life, and I'm currently still debating whether for the better or worse. The facts: I have never had so deep of chemistry with one human being before in my life. Our personalities meshed, and the passion between was disgustingly perfect, unexplainable to say the least. Naively, we were convinced we belonged together. And that was that, no ifs buts or ands, we had stumbled across what each of our hearts had been desperately seeking all our lives. It was a sense of fulfillment. One downfall: realistically, we could and never would work. Waiting two years for eachother was a sacrifice easier said than done. Life just wasn't on our side, and that was that. This little insignificant story helps define my story, the story of my life. It was one of the most painful struggles I've had to experience so far, and I still fight it every day of my life, because at that point of my life I was convinced I would never find someone comparable. I searched and I found, yet could not have. Life said no to me, and that's not the answer I wanted. The concept of fate is one I am constantly struggling with especially considering the fact I got stuck with overly rebellious genes. I'ma born rule-breaker and I'm possibly THE most stubborn person known to mankind. I don't do acceptance very easily. I fight and fight and fight, and the fact my heart overrules my head 99.1% of the time gets me in trouble. I don't do rules, reality or routine, and this is possibly why I have faced so many of the trials I have so far, I don't lead them on myself, but I unintentionally encourage them.

Nonetheless, there was one motivation behind this vent and it's simply because I don't understand life. I never have, I never will and you know, perhaps I'm not supposed to. Perhaps it's all in perspective and if we choose to see the glass half full or empty is up to us. Perhaps we don't need the answers, we should just try to overcome every trial and test thrown at us, despite how much pain and emotion they may bring to us, and move on and just live. Without trying to figure our lives out, ever, attempting to decode every message and analyze every moment and action and just live. Say screw it all and view each and every experience - good or bad - as a life lesson and new opportunity to grow and define our character.

I'm gonna end with the thought and truth that time changes everything. I've been reminded this over and over again in my short little 17yrold life, and I cannot agree with anything more. It really does. As much as we try to deny it and claim different, it's not possible. That crush on the schoolboy in which we revolve all our effort and attention on right now, is temporary, just like everything in life. As crazy and infatuated we may be about someone living 89201mi away from us, it's temporary. It may be the toughest thing in the world to simply forget about someone and move on, accept reality and give up, but it may be even more painful if we stay with it and give it our all and fight till the end... unless it's worth it. And that's what life's about it when it all comes down to it: the daily challenge and neverending struggle, there's our reason and rhyme and purpose. Without the game, we wouldn't put forth effort and further, wouldn't give a damn about fighting for what we want. It would come to us and it wouldn't be worthwhile because the only thing that gives something value is the fight and desire behind it.

I've recently stumbled across something in life that I've been looking for. Like always, there's that one factor that basically determines whether I can have it and call my mine or not. And it's up to me if I wanna use my head and be smart about the situation and accept reality, or overrule it all with my heart and choose to not give up on something I already know will be worthwhile. Regardless, I'm adopting a new perspective on life and from here on out I'm letting my life play out on its own, guiding me down the path with my name on it, and shaping me into the person I was originally meant to be. Perhaps we're supposed to take it day by day, and take advantage of every moment for the moment in itself and not the bigger picture. We are not supposed to analzyze everything that happens in our lives, yet appreciate the good things and fuck the bad. Am I going to run my life or let my life run me? To live or to be lived, that one's up to us.