Wednesday, March 19, 2008

this is my life, guess who's in control?

One of those nights again, runninrunninrunnin, WHY am I on here?
That's right, writing an essay for my best friend and takin home the moola! HAHAHA<3

And I'm really really really craving myself some concert scene at the moment.
Call me a freak? UH, I'm ready for a good wake-up-at-1131-on-saturday-morning-to-steaming-wholewheat&choc.chip-pancakes-and-freshly-squeezed-OJ-still-bundled-in-fleece-blankets-when-you-look-out-the-window-and-sunshine!-and-marshmallow-clouds, okay + this and that and lordy do I have a lot of thoughts in such a small head.




-01

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

They say look up as I'm stumbling down the stairs.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Birthday boy is mine, hands off.

lalala I'm so happy. I'm so fucking excited for the future that it's like the rule to add the fuck word in that sentence, just to enhance my happiness and make sure people realize it's not an excuse to swear and feel ohhh,rebellious but it expresses my smile right now.

I'm excited to go off to a 4yr university and make so much of my life, because I know I'm capable. I have potential and I'm not willing to sit on my boot-ay for the rest of my life, gazing at the treadmill and psychology books. I'm gonna study my little butt off and stress about the small things and pull all-nighter after all-nighter, caffeine pills and Sbux in hand, a motivated soul in gear. I really don't know what came over me today, but it did and that's what I know.
I swear I realize something every day of my life, and today it was bigger than most days.

Sometimes I realize I don't match and then laugh at myself like I'm some kindergartener who doesn't know how to dress herself, but oh no no no today was important.
I'm gonna make things happen, and yeah it'll be hell here and there, a little shit mixed in with the good stuff, but hey now, everyone can't always make brownies without the walnuts, am I right or am I right? And okay, scratch that metaphor because ONLY I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, but goody gracious am I in a pumped mood.

I'm looking out the window and I feel like I suck at writing at the moment, but the thing is, I don't care anymore. I'm in this process of acceptance, it's called teenage years, and I'm stumbling across so many flaws of mine, and let me tell you: I love it. I spent the past fifteen years attempting at perfection 60 minutes each hour, 24 hours a day, 365 days every year, and it's tiring. Tiring but more so? Worthless. No one likes a perfectionist, people like humans who don't hafta use big words all the time and who have bitchmoods and bad days and bipolar episodes and who can make jokes that aren't funny and not worry about it.

WOW am I changing before my eyes, and dunnnadudnnnadundnnala, I kinda like it for some crazy mixedup reason.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Screw fretting over global warming and putting on a smile.

I'm going to say one thing and one thing only: The world needs more Eric Matthews.

I think I found my answer.

I stare into your eyes
Although you can't really see

That the pain inside of your heart
Is also hurting me

You say that you are hopeless
And you will never live your dreams

You say theres no point in living
If this is all it seems

Your best friend always first
And your dragged down the line

You smile and say you're okay
But inside I see your not going to be fine

Your dreams are thrown away
Your life is losing meaning

All you have is your music
Well at least thats what you'rE believing

But why dont you see
That you're not alone

Because I will be with you
everystep that you have shown

Your smile gives me proof
that you will make it far

You're going to live your dreams
you're going to become a star

I believe in you
you are something truely special to me
and thats what you're forever going




How did I get so lucky?
I love you, Kirst.

Monday, March 3, 2008

OTH<3

"What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible."






316

hello march 3rd.

"life is meant to be lived, not gotten through."



I've been living by this lately. My life has been pure stress the past few weeks and in all honesty, I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm craving answers but I'm only receiving the lack of guidance.
I need confidence in my future.
I need a hand to hold and someone to assure me everything's gonna be just fine in the end, if not that fairytale ending I've hoped for since I was a little girl that dreamed of a perfect shoeless Hawaii wedding, our feet soaking up the sand between our toes, soaking up carefreeness and happiness, and we can't forget those adults in our life that oh so innocently lead us to believe the world was a beautiful place, now can we? We were naïve, but we were happy. We were happy.
We didn't have the answers, we didn't know where the future was gonna lead us but hell, we didn't care. Why should we have cared about our predestined future as a firefighter or daddy or physical therapist? As long as we had a cute sundress to wear to the park to bask in the sun and secretly hope the other 5yrold boys would glance our way, and loving parents who made us eat our broccoli at dinner, but then later made up for it by letting us put [ahem, drown] chocolate syrup on our steak, life was good.
Now I think about it, and why can't we be like that? Kids are so damn humble. Present yourself to an environemt of all children for say, an hour or two, and you'll see exactly what I'm talkin' about. They're beautiful, but not vain. They're fun, but they don't later brag about what they have to offer in their myspace about me's. It's annoying because it's like if the remaining universal population followed the behavorial examples of kids, I put money on it, the world would be a better place. Happier, at least. Less drama, less politics, aka life would be good.
I'm gonna stop and get back to my original subject because Court doesn't ever know where she's going with her thoughts [and yes, she likes to speak in 3rd person, gotta problem?].
OKKKAy, back to the beginning.

Life's stressful and my mind's been on overload the past weekish. I like it but it scares me. As I'm literally running from school to the gym to el I-am-stupid,please-tutor-me? date via starbucks, thoughts are constantly racing through my mind: Is this life? I mean, really... Is this life? Everyone always says "live for the moment/this is the time/nownownowdoitdoitdoit, dont wait!", but honestly, is this all life has to offer? Does it ever get better [better obviously being measured on a personal scale, so be my guest and enlighten me, m'dear]? Or should we do ourselves a favor and accept the fact this may be it? This may be the time we've been searching for, and growing up for?
Sure, we'lL grow up, get older. Face exciting new opportunities, be pressured to take dangerous risks, struggle with harder battles, physically and emotionally [and perhaps mentally...], but all in all, I want to know if this the preview to the rest of our lives.
I wake up, I doll myself up just to impress society or something?, I watch what my mouth intakes, because god forbid do I wanna get fat, I mean come on, you hafta face the public for the rest of your life, court!, and I race out the door, only to be unprepared to face a brand new day.
I go to school, I go to driver's ed, I get tutored when I feel the need to waste my mother's moola, I slave at the gym for 3hrs on end.
Aka: the base of education, check. The base of becoming just another risk on the road but also my availability of transportation for the next 70yrs, check. Bigger brain cells orrr better grades?, check. An acceptable body in society's view, check... Until I down the next holiday's dessert, that is.
And that's how life is, I've recently concluded. It's a constant cycle of this and of that. We go through our stressful alwaysonthegogogo phases, yet we survive in the end, surprising even ourselves. We go through those priceless lazy-summer-days spent at starbucks and out on the grass, wasting away hours at a time, just appreciating what life has to offer.
Life is about balance, it's about living. It's about balancing the tears and the smiles, the pain and the happiness. We can either choose to stay inside and hide from the world, permitting our fears due to our harsh flaws and scars to dominate us and our lives, or we can go out and actually live. That's all there is to it, live. Live, and let someone else do the worrying for us, the worrying about getting hurt or letting the world to crash us down and rip us into a million lonely pieces.



I'm not "done". I'm not "giving up".
I'm living and I'm finally opening my eyes to what it really means to do so.