hello march 3rd.

"life is meant to be lived, not gotten through."



I've been living by this lately. My life has been pure stress the past few weeks and in all honesty, I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm craving answers but I'm only receiving the lack of guidance.

I need confidence in my future.
I need a hand to hold and someone to assure me everything's gonna be just fine in the end, if not that fairytale ending I've hoped for since I was a little girl that dreamed of a perfect shoeless Hawaii wedding, our feet soaking up the sand between our toes, soaking up carefreeness and happiness, and we can't forget those adults in our life that oh so innocently lead us to believe the world was a beautiful place, now can we? We were naïve, but we were happy. We were happy.
We didn't have the answers, we didn't know where the future was gonna lead us but hell, we didn't care. Why should we have cared about our predestined future as a firefighter or daddy or physical therapist? As long as we had a cute sundress to wear to the park to bask in the sun and secretly hope the other 5yrold boys would glance our way, and loving parents who made us eat our broccoli at dinner, but then later made up for it by letting us put [ahem, drown] chocolate syrup on our steak, life was good.

Now I think about it, and why can't we be like that? Kids are so damn humble. Present yourself to an environemt of all children for say, an hour or two, and you'll see exactly what I'm talkin' about. They're beautiful, but not vain. They're fun, but they don't later brag about what they have to offer in their myspace about me's. It's annoying because it's like if the remaining universal population followed the behavorial examples of kids, I put money on it, the world would be a better place. Happier, at least. Less drama, less politics, aka life would be good.

I'm gonna stop and get back to my original subject because Court doesn't ever know where she's going with her thoughts [and yes, she likes to speak in 3rd person, gotta problem?].
OKKKAy, back to the beginning.

Life's stressful and my mind's been on overload the past weekish. I like it but it scares me. As I'm literally running from school to the gym to el I-am-stupid,please-tutor-me? date via starbucks, thoughts are constantly racing through my mind: Is this life? I mean, really... Is this life? Everyone always says "live for the moment/this is the time/nownownowdoitdoitdoit, dont wait!", but honestly, is this all life has to offer? Does it ever get better [better obviously being measured on a personal scale, so be my guest and enlighten me, m'dear]? Or should we do ourselves a favor and accept the fact this may be it? This may be the time we've been searching for, and growing up for?

Sure, we'lL grow up, get older. Face exciting new opportunities, be pressured to take dangerous risks, struggle with harder battles, physically and emotionally [and perhaps mentally...], but all in all, I want to know if this the preview to the rest of our lives.

I wake up, I doll myself up just to impress society or something?, I watch what my mouth intakes, because god forbid do I wanna get fat, I mean come on, you hafta face the public for the rest of your life, court!, and I race out the door, only to be unprepared to face a brand new day.
I go to school, I go to driver's ed, I get tutored when I feel the need to waste my mother's moola, I slave at the gym for 3hrs on end.

Aka: the base of education, check. The base of becoming just another risk on the road but also my availability of transportation for the next 70yrs, check. Bigger brain cells orrr better grades?, check. An acceptable body in society's view, check... Until I down the next holiday's dessert, that is.

And that's how life is, I've recently concluded. It's a constant cycle of this and of that. We go through our stressful alwaysonthegogogo phases, yet we survive in the end, surprising even ourselves. We go through those priceless lazy-summer-days spent at starbucks and out on the grass, wasting away hours at a time, just appreciating what life has to offer.

Life is about balance, it's about living. It's about balancing the tears and the smiles, the pain and the happiness. We can either choose to stay inside and hide from the world, permitting our fears due to our harsh flaws and scars to dominate us and our lives, or we can go out and actually live. That's all there is to it, live. Live, and let someone else do the worrying for us, the worrying about getting hurt or letting the world to crash us down and rip us into a million lonely pieces.

I'm not "done". I'm not "giving up".

I'm living and I'm finally opening my eyes to what it really means to do so.