Mistakes, schmistakes.

JUNE 15TH

I'm more-than-ever convinced honesty gets us wherever we are meant to be in life.

--> Why do I suck at life? DEAR LORD, THANKYA FOR MY ABILITY TO SOMEHOW&FORSOMECRAZYMIXEDUPREASON SURVIVE.












I'm so so so happy.
And he is so so so mine. Allllll fuckin' mine.
Hands off?
<3>

Break me down, you gotta lovely face.

"You deserve someone in your life that is happy and satisfied at the mere presence of you in a room."





And amen.

good moods, oh thursday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pycx3vZI50M

southern Texan beaches& warm conversation.

4Listen to me. Before you can change the world you must realize that you, yourself, are part of it. You can't stand outside looking in.

the dreamers

4 I can't say how the gods of virtue will judge you. But, I do know if I meet you again, in another life, I will not be able to resist you. /devdas

4"As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone." -One Tree Hill

Life is good. Stressful, but absolutely undeniably good.

be inspired.

Drownin' in the Pacific.

And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

- Brooke, One Tree Hill

It's a hardknock life.

In the past few weeks, I've realized something: Life revolves around change.
Honestly, life would not be without it. It provides the daily dose of satisfaction we crave, and shapes up into who we're growing up to become.

It can be hard. It can be a living hell. But in the end, life has some crazy mixed up way of turning out just fine, if not wonderful. Take it from someone who knows.

"Everything is alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end."

this is my life, guess who's in control?

One of those nights again, runninrunninrunnin, WHY am I on here?
That's right, writing an essay for my best friend and takin home the moola! HAHAHA<3

And I'm really really really craving myself some concert scene at the moment.
Call me a freak? UH, I'm ready for a good wake-up-at-1131-on-saturday-morning-to-steaming-wholewheat&choc.chip-pancakes-and-freshly-squeezed-OJ-still-bundled-in-fleece-blankets-when-you-look-out-the-window-and-sunshine!-and-marshmallow-clouds, okay + this and that and lordy do I have a lot of thoughts in such a small head.




-01

They say look up as I'm stumbling down the stairs.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Birthday boy is mine, hands off.

lalala I'm so happy. I'm so fucking excited for the future that it's like the rule to add the fuck word in that sentence, just to enhance my happiness and make sure people realize it's not an excuse to swear and feel ohhh,rebellious but it expresses my smile right now.

I'm excited to go off to a 4yr university and make so much of my life, because I know I'm capable. I have potential and I'm not willing to sit on my boot-ay for the rest of my life, gazing at the treadmill and psychology books. I'm gonna study my little butt off and stress about the small things and pull all-nighter after all-nighter, caffeine pills and Sbux in hand, a motivated soul in gear. I really don't know what came over me today, but it did and that's what I know.
I swear I realize something every day of my life, and today it was bigger than most days.

Sometimes I realize I don't match and then laugh at myself like I'm some kindergartener who doesn't know how to dress herself, but oh no no no today was important.
I'm gonna make things happen, and yeah it'll be hell here and there, a little shit mixed in with the good stuff, but hey now, everyone can't always make brownies without the walnuts, am I right or am I right? And okay, scratch that metaphor because ONLY I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, but goody gracious am I in a pumped mood.

I'm looking out the window and I feel like I suck at writing at the moment, but the thing is, I don't care anymore. I'm in this process of acceptance, it's called teenage years, and I'm stumbling across so many flaws of mine, and let me tell you: I love it. I spent the past fifteen years attempting at perfection 60 minutes each hour, 24 hours a day, 365 days every year, and it's tiring. Tiring but more so? Worthless. No one likes a perfectionist, people like humans who don't hafta use big words all the time and who have bitchmoods and bad days and bipolar episodes and who can make jokes that aren't funny and not worry about it.

WOW am I changing before my eyes, and dunnnadudnnnadundnnala, I kinda like it for some crazy mixedup reason.

Screw fretting over global warming and putting on a smile.

I'm going to say one thing and one thing only: The world needs more Eric Matthews.

I think I found my answer.

I stare into your eyes
Although you can't really see

That the pain inside of your heart
Is also hurting me

You say that you are hopeless
And you will never live your dreams

You say theres no point in living
If this is all it seems

Your best friend always first
And your dragged down the line

You smile and say you're okay
But inside I see your not going to be fine

Your dreams are thrown away
Your life is losing meaning

All you have is your music
Well at least thats what you'rE believing

But why dont you see
That you're not alone

Because I will be with you
everystep that you have shown

Your smile gives me proof
that you will make it far

You're going to live your dreams
you're going to become a star

I believe in you
you are something truely special to me
and thats what you're forever going




How did I get so lucky?
I love you, Kirst.

OTH<3

"What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible."

316

hello march 3rd.

"life is meant to be lived, not gotten through."



I've been living by this lately. My life has been pure stress the past few weeks and in all honesty, I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm craving answers but I'm only receiving the lack of guidance.

I need confidence in my future.
I need a hand to hold and someone to assure me everything's gonna be just fine in the end, if not that fairytale ending I've hoped for since I was a little girl that dreamed of a perfect shoeless Hawaii wedding, our feet soaking up the sand between our toes, soaking up carefreeness and happiness, and we can't forget those adults in our life that oh so innocently lead us to believe the world was a beautiful place, now can we? We were naïve, but we were happy. We were happy.
We didn't have the answers, we didn't know where the future was gonna lead us but hell, we didn't care. Why should we have cared about our predestined future as a firefighter or daddy or physical therapist? As long as we had a cute sundress to wear to the park to bask in the sun and secretly hope the other 5yrold boys would glance our way, and loving parents who made us eat our broccoli at dinner, but then later made up for it by letting us put [ahem, drown] chocolate syrup on our steak, life was good.

Now I think about it, and why can't we be like that? Kids are so damn humble. Present yourself to an environemt of all children for say, an hour or two, and you'll see exactly what I'm talkin' about. They're beautiful, but not vain. They're fun, but they don't later brag about what they have to offer in their myspace about me's. It's annoying because it's like if the remaining universal population followed the behavorial examples of kids, I put money on it, the world would be a better place. Happier, at least. Less drama, less politics, aka life would be good.

I'm gonna stop and get back to my original subject because Court doesn't ever know where she's going with her thoughts [and yes, she likes to speak in 3rd person, gotta problem?].
OKKKAy, back to the beginning.

Life's stressful and my mind's been on overload the past weekish. I like it but it scares me. As I'm literally running from school to the gym to el I-am-stupid,please-tutor-me? date via starbucks, thoughts are constantly racing through my mind: Is this life? I mean, really... Is this life? Everyone always says "live for the moment/this is the time/nownownowdoitdoitdoit, dont wait!", but honestly, is this all life has to offer? Does it ever get better [better obviously being measured on a personal scale, so be my guest and enlighten me, m'dear]? Or should we do ourselves a favor and accept the fact this may be it? This may be the time we've been searching for, and growing up for?

Sure, we'lL grow up, get older. Face exciting new opportunities, be pressured to take dangerous risks, struggle with harder battles, physically and emotionally [and perhaps mentally...], but all in all, I want to know if this the preview to the rest of our lives.

I wake up, I doll myself up just to impress society or something?, I watch what my mouth intakes, because god forbid do I wanna get fat, I mean come on, you hafta face the public for the rest of your life, court!, and I race out the door, only to be unprepared to face a brand new day.
I go to school, I go to driver's ed, I get tutored when I feel the need to waste my mother's moola, I slave at the gym for 3hrs on end.

Aka: the base of education, check. The base of becoming just another risk on the road but also my availability of transportation for the next 70yrs, check. Bigger brain cells orrr better grades?, check. An acceptable body in society's view, check... Until I down the next holiday's dessert, that is.

And that's how life is, I've recently concluded. It's a constant cycle of this and of that. We go through our stressful alwaysonthegogogo phases, yet we survive in the end, surprising even ourselves. We go through those priceless lazy-summer-days spent at starbucks and out on the grass, wasting away hours at a time, just appreciating what life has to offer.

Life is about balance, it's about living. It's about balancing the tears and the smiles, the pain and the happiness. We can either choose to stay inside and hide from the world, permitting our fears due to our harsh flaws and scars to dominate us and our lives, or we can go out and actually live. That's all there is to it, live. Live, and let someone else do the worrying for us, the worrying about getting hurt or letting the world to crash us down and rip us into a million lonely pieces.

I'm not "done". I'm not "giving up".

I'm living and I'm finally opening my eyes to what it really means to do so.

ew, boredom.

Answer me this: WHY am I bored with life? Honestly, I wake up in the mornings and I don't look forward to the day. I don't dread it, despite the absence of caffeine inside my bod-ay at the time. I just feel blah, and YUCK, why is that? Something's missing from my life. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and I haven't realized rain has the effect of depression upon people, but hellll is it required for a Seattlian to be suicidal simply due to the weather or something? Hmmph. I'm tired of people yet I still consider myself a people-person? Whatev, whatev. Perhaps I'm just growing up and coming to the conclusion that life isn't all that it's made up to be. I'm facing reality for the first time, and I'm finding out on my own that it's one big let down.

Iunno, but I do know that I'm currently craving some spice in my life.
I wanna live life on the edge but opportunity isn't really presenting itself.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, the end. I'm oh so annoying when I'm restless.

Praying for a rainy day to stay in bed inside
Always looking for a way to medicate your life
Searching for a revelation
Avoid another confrontation
You struggle. You struggle.
You struggle. You struggle.
Standing on tomorrow at the end of yesterday
In between the sorrow and elation of today
Caught up in the black and white
Why do you put up such a damn good fight
You struggle. you struggle.
You struggle. you struggle.

Some day/One day/Some day/One day/No more worry/No more pain/Some day/One day

Everything is by design
God's perfect tapestry
There's nothing you or I could do to stop your destiny
Everyday I'm praying for you
That's the way I show I sure do love you
You struggle you struggle





Praying for a rainy day to stay in bed inside.
Praying…

February14th, WHA?

I have one thing to say and I will say it loud.
Valentine's Day fucking sucks. You know why? If you're single, it just reminds you all damn day long that you don't have a valentine, a single boy in the world who would choose to shower you with attention opposed to any other female. Then if you're happily taken, why do you need a holiday just to celebrate that you love& care for each other? I mean, Come. On.

Riiidonkidonk.
BOO on today. Boo on the cliche idea of a single red velvet rose, boxes of chocolate [helllo 389128912 calories, and then the boyfriends will bitch when we start lookin NOT anorexic, and then we start to treadmill, lose boob fat and they bitch some more! *shakes head* Ohhh,boyfrans]. Boo on Hallmark holidays that require girls to threaten relationships if their sweetie doesn't surprise them with 10 lbs. of unnecessary shit?
Call me unusally far from a hopeless romantic, but you know, whatever.
JUSS SAYIN'

oh, cali. oh, sunshine. oh, StephenLCKristin.

I was standing in checkout at Safeway the other day, fantasizing personal reality of size 00 pants I assumed miss Longoria was struttin' in this USWeekly shot, and the typical of gossiping via verizon wireless, when this lady started making smalltalk with me. She asked me how the weather was 'down there' and I stared at her like an idiot. I was all whaaaaat, until she clarified south Cali, where I was obviously from, I mean wasn't I? I laughed. She apparently thought I flaunted a californian status, with my tan .. my natural blonde curls .. my laidback vibe? I DON'T EVEN KNOW, but I laughed and told her I was a born washingtonian.

Weird. But I got to thinking, and I came to realization: I can see myself one place in the world opposed to anyyywhere else. And that's Cali. You don't even know how much I crave it on a daily basis, I don't think it's healthy. I dream of sunshine and when the weather here delivers it, I about shit myself with happiness. Ahhh, the palm trees, the overboard of heat, the constant laying out and basking in the sun, real live SAND and ocean and sunglasses. Talk about opportunity of opening your linen closet and having more than two or three beach towels!! AH, hello Heaven. I get giddy thinking about Laguna/Huntington everywhere around there. Hence my reasoning behind pursuing a worthy spring break this year, and doing everything in my power to convince the parents to take their little princess to her paradise.

It's getting quite ridiculous actually. Maybe if I love it so much down there and it truly satisfies my unsatisfication of Seattle weather, I'll seduce a naive boy and sneak into his mansion so my parents can't bring me home. Yay! for courtney is brilliant.

that's all I had to say. Just the usual of confessin' my hate for my rainy hometown, and my passionate love for where I dream of living in a mere 3 yrs. NOW. Anyone up for a LB marathon? Lalalala, SUCHA GOOD MOOD (:

life is what you make of it.

You've heard it from your parents, you've heard it from the media, and guess what? You're gonna damn well hear it from me: Life is what you make of it, and it's as simple as that.
Quit bitchin' about your nonexistent social life when you can easily go out and make friends and go out on the town. Quit bitchin' about the lack of moola, when helllo, have you ever heard of jobs pay you.. ya know, money? Get off your lazy butt and get one. Quit bitchin' about being overweight and take a lap, tubby. Work it off, honey!! All people do is bitch these days, and in all honesty, I laugh. It's not that it entirely affects or bothers me, it just ignites me to think. You look at yourself in the mirror and are ashamed of what you've becomed over the years? Start to change. You miss the past? Visit those who defined it, and reminisce. You dream of going to UFC and makin' it big? Start off by actually working your ass off in school, and proving your future by your grades.
I could go on and on, but honestly, I'm in this wonderful mood, and I probably sound quite hypocritcal right now [I want to drive, but guess who seems to find everything else to waste her time with BESIDES hittin up the DMV? Hahahaha, "I lost the book, Momma."], but I'm in this with the world.
I blog to teach the world, but mostly myself a lesson.

Life lesson #38902001: Life has nowhere to lead when you choose it's not worth your time.

rawrawrawrrrrrrRRRR.

"Ever since we first came here, I knew I'd fall in love with the place. You know, I could never sick of it."

Home Sweet Home, I wanna go home.

keep your held high, gorgeous.

foreverforevergoawaaaay.

sometimes I wonder why we're here. what's our purpose.
Alriiight, I feel like I know my indivudual purpose in life since I'm Christian. And don't get me wrong, I'm not tryin to shove religion down anyones throats or WHATEVZ.
I'm just curious. Why was the world created in the first place? Before God thought up this brilliant plan of creation and blahhhhhhetc. The world was dark and .. nonexistent?

I don't understand forever or the Beginning or the idea of any end, I mean how can there be an end when there was no definite beginning? "God's always been and always will be."
FOREVER, it's uncomprehendable. And frusterating.

And ah, I'm done for the day.
/Court's thoughts dowwwwwn the drain

oh, you disgust me ya little shit.

"Marathon runners talk about hitting 'the wall' at the twenty-third mile of the race. What rowers confront isn't a wall; it’s a hole - an abyss of pain, which opens up in the second minute of the race. Large needles are being driven into your thigh muscles, while your forearms seem to be splitting. Then the pain becomes confused and disorganized, not like the windedness of the runner or the leg burn of the biker but an all over, savage unpleasantness. As you pass the five hundred meter mark, with three-quarters of the race still to row, you realize with dread that you are not going to make it to the finish, but at the same time the idea of letting your teammates down by not rowing your hardest is unthinkable...Therefore, you are going to die. Welcome to this life."
Ashleigh Teitel

I think I might return home.

I've been digustingly homesick for quite some time now, and about 6 minutes ago I stumbled across realization: I miss my old life. The boathouse I spent 1/3 of my life at. 3hrs a day, 5 days a week. Stroke after stroke after run after run after rep after rep. Overnight regattas. The memories, the afterschool talks while balancing a steady rate. Screaming Hey There Its Delilah at 3am out on the lake when the surrounding population slept soundly, our fingers near frostbitten and minds insane, or nonexistent for that matter, and our hearts ... our hearts passionate.
The only thing that drove us practice through practice. Our drive, the passion was livin'. The erg tests foreshadowing death, oh we saw it. The times we felt like puking everything and anything we had left to our names off the side of the boat. After races, that feeling. I wonder to this day how a sport can be so intense. Sweating in 19 degree weather, now that's something to be said for. 5min into pushoff the dock, adrenaline dominating our bodies, our bodies moving faster than we thought possible. The rhythm. The seductive melody of eight bodies all singin' the same tune at once. Upinpushbackstrengthgogogooutturnupagain. I can't even explain it, but if you're a rower you know what I'm talking about. You know exactly what I'm referring to. It's irrisistable, and I'm just now finding that out. And have I failed to mention the regattas? HELLO BRENTWOOD. Beautiful/abnormally sunny Seattle. Those saturdays slaving over those damn oars. God I never fell out of love.

It's surreal. How can one even fall in love with a sport that demands so much effort? Requires so much time, so much passion, delivers so much pain? It's absurd, but it's undeniable.

I miss crew and I have about 5 days to decide if I want to return to my ex-lifestyle.
I suck at decisions, but convince me I need it. It built so much character, it taught me something in life that noONE can or ever could. It helped me find who I really am, and it pushed me far past my limits on a minute basis. And you're asking me why I wanna suffer through that much pain every single day for the next 238991 months? . . . Good question. Something just ignited in me today, and I realized that rowing is what I've been missing. Is what's at fault for my discomfort, my lonliness, my homesickness the past few months.







Ahhh, I miss you.

Sin makes the world go round.

Nun #1: Can you believe that?
Nun #2: Oh my god, no!



--34th & 6th, NY

save the world one grain of rice at a time.

http://www.freerice.com/index.php

when the going goes the lowest.

I love you girl, hang in there and stay strong. You're beautiful.

we're young, we have the world at our feet.

your life is just beginning, and its going to be beautiful.

hahahahhaha.

"What if Prince Charming had
never shown up? Would Snow White have laid in that glass box forever? Or would
she have gotten up, spit out the apple, gotten a job & a health care plan
& moved on with her life?"
-- Sex and the City

spontaneous thoughts, blahblahblah.

In the past few days, I've realized how afraid I was on showing my feelings to the people I love or simply am grateful to have in my life. I feel bad that honestly, sometimes I just fail at being expressive. I know what I want, I know what I feel, I know what I love, so WHY CAN I NOT SHOW IT? Perhaps it’s part of growing up - that it becomes awkward to show your emotions. Adults are taught not to be expressive because its a sign of weakness. I hate to adhere to that. People should learn to show how much they love a person before its too late, everyday is a chance we should take, don't let it pass because if you do you'll be stranded in the same place and you'll never be happy. Life is unpredictable is what they say and you just got to make the most out of it. Treasure the people you love and make them HAPPY just in case tomorrow never comes. I view everyday, this morning, yesterday morning, tomorrow morning, as a new chance to prove yourself and opportunity to strengthen relationships. Proactivity is key. Showing someone you’re absolutely crazy for them, much less care whatsoever, is vital. Why? Because one day, soon enough, we’re gonna lose that chance entirely. It’s a chance to be brave enough to show how much you love a person no matter how awkward it is.
Maybe you will feel weak. Maybe you will feel vulnerable. It’s a chance I’m willing to take.

graduation, time to face the world headon.

Distinguished guests, parents, and this year’s graduating class:

My best friend reminded me of a quote by William Shakespeare that seems appropriate.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound up in sorrows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves -- or lose our ventures.”

I think that what that quote means, is that life is short, and opportunities are rare. And we have to be vigilante in protecting them, and not only the opportunities to succeed, but the opportunity to laugh, to see the enchantment in the world, and to live. Because life doesn’t owe us anything, as a matter of fact, I think that we owe something to the world. And if we can just believe that- (laughs) I’m sorry. I have more, I just - think I’m having my baby.

dear today.

Oliver Wendell Holmes once said: "Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."





We always think tomorrow's another chance, a brand new shot at life. Opportunity to make up for lost time, or prospect that has potential to put the past in the past and simply live on. Face it, preparement is the anchor that ends up betraying us and sinking us at the final moment. We prepare our whole lives ... for life. And then when life has had the best of us, our clock sounds, our time's up, death overcomes life.

All that preparing wasn't worth anything if we never got the chance to live. To live what we had prepared. So answer me this: Why prepare? If in the long run, 'getting ready' is gonna waste our lives and steal our opportunity of actually breathing life, why do it?
Just gotta remember to live before you prepare. Save 'getting ready' for after you have lived, and by that time, you're past needing to.

it's a small world,ehish.

"The world is smaller than you think, and the people on it are more beautiful than you think." Bertram Van Munster

Do me a favor and ponder this.

Feeny, Feeeeeeny, MR. FEENY!

“I love you all … class dismissed.”


Lord am I currently obsessed with my BMW.

I suck at goodbyes.

I will never say goodbye to you, because if I say goodbye, then that's it. That's goodbye.


It's not goodbye, it's "See you later".
I will establish one thing to the entire world: NEVER say goodbye to me. It sounds like I'm retarded or something, right? "I mean, c'mon guys don't goo'bye me..." But surssllly. I get off the phone or analyze the conversation I just experienced with this longlost acquaintence I ran into one rainy Monday at Nordstorm, and I'll be like WHAT? Noooo, I did NOT just say bye! Ahhh Courtney, why? You are so hypocritical. It's like goodbye gives one the freedom to never speak to the person they goodbyed. Ever again. Ever ever ever ever never ever, and I damn well hate that feeling. "See ya later, Punkin." That's like, enforcement and assurance you're GONNA talk with that person again. Sometime in your lifetime.




And now I'm laughing at myself because I sound like I belong in a mental institution.
Oh, Court.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhboy.

unanswered questions.

"Why is there a rainbow following a storm?
Why do we always give in so easily?
Why are we so weak when it comes to love, but so strong when it comes to battle?
Why do we try so hard?
Who are we trying to impress?
Why is it so hard to quit?
Why do we focus so much on our appearance when we know one day we'll be judged on our beliefs?
Why are we so scared of having our hearts get broken?
Why do we think we are here in this world for ourselves?
Why do we see things that need to be changed in the world, and then do nothing about it?
Why do we have so little faith?
Why is it easier said than done?
Why are we so afraid to be different than others?
Why do we put ourselves before others?
Why are diamonds more valuable than smiles?
Why is it that the best things in life are free?
Why is money such an object in our society?
Why are our shadows bigger than our own bodies?
Why do we walk when we can run instead?
Why do we find love when we're not looking for it?
Why is life so hard... but so worth it?
Why is there such thing as fear?
How did we grow up so fast?
Why does time move so fast?
Why do we try to fight fate?
Is luck a such thing? Or just...miracles?
Why do we fear change?
Why is our journey cut so short?
Why do tears make us stronger?
Why are we stubborn?
Why is it so hard to sacrifice?
Why do we try to fit in?
Why are we so money-obsessed when we know one day, none of it will matter?
How did we start?
How is our journey going to end up?
Why do we make people believe we're so strong on the inside?
Why do we put things off so much?
Why do we put up such a fight?
Why don't we live life the very best we can when we know our life is limited?"








why?

what we weren't taught in kindergarten.

love until your hands bleed.


I'm changing. I'm trying this new thing where I'm trying to be selfless. Good deeds, smiling at strangers. Putting on a smile and getting my daily caffeine so the world will no longer have to put up with my bad moods every other day. Kindness is key and it shouldn't be a sign of weakness. I have a natural overpowering bitch edge to my personality, but genes don't define us.

Character does.
And we should have a say in who we're growing up to be.

love. it's as simple as that. love strangers, love friends, love the boy, love the parents, love goodness.

lalalala la LA la

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but don't worry, you will someday."

- American Beauty

Wake up and live.

I'm writing this to myself, I'm writing this to you, I'm writing this to the world. Sitting in "Idontgetit,buthelltextinganddaydreamingseemslikeagoodalternativetome" 5th period, I got to thinking. And if you know me, you know that I don't just slightly ponder about life. I'm someone who cuts deep into the weirdest thoughts imaginable and pounds 'em down, analyzing all possibilities, everything. As I was indulging myself in deep thought in the cloudy weather...

It just kinda hit me. This is it. This is life, I mean. We always think life's gonna start after we pass that test, after we get that guy, after we survive the week and rep the weekend. Keyword? AFTER. Life's not gonna begin when we want it to. Hellllllo 411, it already has. Welcome to reality, sweetheart.

For a long time it felt like I was waiting for life to begin. There always seemed to be an obstacle in the middle of my pathway. "Unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid."
Today it dawned on me these series of obstacles and "shit, I'm screwed"s are life. This is life. I'm not saying this is the best it's gonna get. If that was the case, we'd all have lost hope by now. But THIS IS IT. We all plan on having a better day tomorrow, finishing what needs to be finished later, following through with things we don't want to do . . . later. Not right now.


Do me a favor and stop waiting. Stop waiting for Friday night to come, for you to lose ten pounds, for summer. Life's NOT gonna be perfect when you've finally motivated yourself to lose weight. Sure it make be all "damnnn thats hot" at first, but Come. On. Get a grip and realize something:


There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Bring OJ in a thermos to school. Get kinky in the afternoon. Go skinnydipping at midnight by yourself. Dance to some Bob Marley, take a Portland weekend roadtrip, live a little. Waste your time with people you want to spend it with. There's nothing better than wasting life away on company you don't even enjoy.

Realize this. Seconds are wasting away as we speak. Time's drowning and we're 5 minutes closer to death than we were 5 minutes ago. Don't get depressed over this thought, but instead let it act as motivation. Motivation to live. To go out and actually persue your life for a change.
Life is not starting tomorrow. Later. It's already began, I would suggest you go out





and live it.

It's been a long 89 weeks.

Well, if you fail then I’ll see this girl who took a real risk, you know, who left the world she was used to with great courage and she danced the dance, y’know? And if you fail I think there’s a real chance I’ll love you even more.
- BMW


I wanna fail and be told life will go on. I wanna be assured that even IF/WHEN I HIT ROCK BOTTOM in the end, I'll still be loved. No matter the mistake, love and acceptance will prove itself. Despite my flaws [the 38912001 annoying ones at that], those who care won't run from me, from my life.

I'm not perfect. Well, I've never tried to be. I've always survived life just perfectly on my imperfections alone. But lately I've been messing up more than normal. I mean, it's like a combination of losing myself and opening my heart that's triggering them. My independent streak is drowning and I want it back. I want that irresistable confidence I once had. I had the heart of rock, solid as hellllll, and wouldn't shatter for anything. ANYONE. I met someone and I'm trying to open my heart. I can't. Something's protecting it and I don't know if that's for the better or worse. Maybe it's a sign, but I try to reject it. I've never really been one to accept fate as it comes to me...

I wanna do this world good, I want to welcome kindness back into my life. Love for strangers. Random smiles throughout the day. I wanna scream Vanessa Carlton to my lonesome at 5 o'clock AM as I'm cakin' on the makeup. I wanna go to school in classy sundresses with this huge grin on my face and hot starbucks in hand on a 33* morning, like last year. Like 8th grade. I was happy and carefree and endearing. I flaunted charm and happiness and this powerfully good mood everywhere I step foot. I WAS SILLY. I didn't give a damnnn about what people thought of me when they viewed my life. That's changed. I wonder sometimes. I don't like to wonder.

Honestly, I don't know what happened.
I want her back. Most people probably do. I'm bitter and stubborn and I love to argue. WHY? I never asked for this. I excel at wasting moola and ruining my rep and plumeting my grades - hence do I have a future? I've been thinking about it a lot. The future, that is. I'm losing my sense of strongwill and passion and desire for anything in life. I want to care. I want to.


And I'm lost. I need someone to take my hand and lead me. I need guidance and a light unto my path. Prayers don't seem to be effective these days, and I'm slowly losing hope. I need to find motivation. A passion that will drive me. Launch me into a bright future, where I can forget the past. Some believe our pasts shape us, right? I'm guilty as well, but it doesn't define who we are, our potential. We're all greater than what we individually believe. We doubt ourselves too much, and from this comes the reason we fail in the end.

We fail to believe. We don't hear these words from anyone in our lives, so we lose faith. We fool ourselves making us believe we never have the ability, the strength. It can't be ME.
Newsflash, Sparky: People aren't gonna shower you with compliments and deliver you pep talks 24/7 the rest of your life. Gotta accept reality. It's called self-confidence, and having the passion to do whatever you want in life. Passion gets you far in life, and we all crave it from time to time.



I hate what growing up does to people. Me included. Me the highlight of the statement.







I guess I'm saying I'm sorry.
We stumble, we fall, we scrape our knees. And sure as hell we're gonna bleed. From the knee, from the heart, from the soul.

Forgive me. Don't accept me, but lead me.
We're in this together. Let's start over with our future in mind this time.
987654321Ready?

Hello, wonduhfulll.

"Let's destroy each other. 'Cause we're too cool for love lines, soft kisses over cheap wine. Smoke me baby like your last cigarette, whisper to me, say you'll never forget. Could you break my heart a little more? Shove my body up against yours & kiss me like you mean it? Anything worth a taste burns as it goes down. Could you tell me I'm so Audrey Hepburn when my hair falls to the side? & say girl, I'm not here to love you tender, I'm just here for the ride. Let's blind ourselves by love & be deaf to all who say it's fatal. It's not that we don't know, its just that we don't care..."


Hm. Wonder if reality could ever compare.