hello march 3rd.

"life is meant to be lived, not gotten through."



I've been living by this lately. My life has been pure stress the past few weeks and in all honesty, I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm craving answers but I'm only receiving the lack of guidance.

I need confidence in my future.
I need a hand to hold and someone to assure me everything's gonna be just fine in the end, if not that fairytale ending I've hoped for since I was a little girl that dreamed of a perfect shoeless Hawaii wedding, our feet soaking up the sand between our toes, soaking up carefreeness and happiness, and we can't forget those adults in our life that oh so innocently lead us to believe the world was a beautiful place, now can we? We were naïve, but we were happy. We were happy.
We didn't have the answers, we didn't know where the future was gonna lead us but hell, we didn't care. Why should we have cared about our predestined future as a firefighter or daddy or physical therapist? As long as we had a cute sundress to wear to the park to bask in the sun and secretly hope the other 5yrold boys would glance our way, and loving parents who made us eat our broccoli at dinner, but then later made up for it by letting us put [ahem, drown] chocolate syrup on our steak, life was good.

Now I think about it, and why can't we be like that? Kids are so damn humble. Present yourself to an environemt of all children for say, an hour or two, and you'll see exactly what I'm talkin' about. They're beautiful, but not vain. They're fun, but they don't later brag about what they have to offer in their myspace about me's. It's annoying because it's like if the remaining universal population followed the behavorial examples of kids, I put money on it, the world would be a better place. Happier, at least. Less drama, less politics, aka life would be good.

I'm gonna stop and get back to my original subject because Court doesn't ever know where she's going with her thoughts [and yes, she likes to speak in 3rd person, gotta problem?].
OKKKAy, back to the beginning.

Life's stressful and my mind's been on overload the past weekish. I like it but it scares me. As I'm literally running from school to the gym to el I-am-stupid,please-tutor-me? date via starbucks, thoughts are constantly racing through my mind: Is this life? I mean, really... Is this life? Everyone always says "live for the moment/this is the time/nownownowdoitdoitdoit, dont wait!", but honestly, is this all life has to offer? Does it ever get better [better obviously being measured on a personal scale, so be my guest and enlighten me, m'dear]? Or should we do ourselves a favor and accept the fact this may be it? This may be the time we've been searching for, and growing up for?

Sure, we'lL grow up, get older. Face exciting new opportunities, be pressured to take dangerous risks, struggle with harder battles, physically and emotionally [and perhaps mentally...], but all in all, I want to know if this the preview to the rest of our lives.

I wake up, I doll myself up just to impress society or something?, I watch what my mouth intakes, because god forbid do I wanna get fat, I mean come on, you hafta face the public for the rest of your life, court!, and I race out the door, only to be unprepared to face a brand new day.
I go to school, I go to driver's ed, I get tutored when I feel the need to waste my mother's moola, I slave at the gym for 3hrs on end.

Aka: the base of education, check. The base of becoming just another risk on the road but also my availability of transportation for the next 70yrs, check. Bigger brain cells orrr better grades?, check. An acceptable body in society's view, check... Until I down the next holiday's dessert, that is.

And that's how life is, I've recently concluded. It's a constant cycle of this and of that. We go through our stressful alwaysonthegogogo phases, yet we survive in the end, surprising even ourselves. We go through those priceless lazy-summer-days spent at starbucks and out on the grass, wasting away hours at a time, just appreciating what life has to offer.

Life is about balance, it's about living. It's about balancing the tears and the smiles, the pain and the happiness. We can either choose to stay inside and hide from the world, permitting our fears due to our harsh flaws and scars to dominate us and our lives, or we can go out and actually live. That's all there is to it, live. Live, and let someone else do the worrying for us, the worrying about getting hurt or letting the world to crash us down and rip us into a million lonely pieces.

I'm not "done". I'm not "giving up".

I'm living and I'm finally opening my eyes to what it really means to do so.

ew, boredom.

Answer me this: WHY am I bored with life? Honestly, I wake up in the mornings and I don't look forward to the day. I don't dread it, despite the absence of caffeine inside my bod-ay at the time. I just feel blah, and YUCK, why is that? Something's missing from my life. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and I haven't realized rain has the effect of depression upon people, but hellll is it required for a Seattlian to be suicidal simply due to the weather or something? Hmmph. I'm tired of people yet I still consider myself a people-person? Whatev, whatev. Perhaps I'm just growing up and coming to the conclusion that life isn't all that it's made up to be. I'm facing reality for the first time, and I'm finding out on my own that it's one big let down.

Iunno, but I do know that I'm currently craving some spice in my life.
I wanna live life on the edge but opportunity isn't really presenting itself.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, the end. I'm oh so annoying when I'm restless.

Praying for a rainy day to stay in bed inside
Always looking for a way to medicate your life
Searching for a revelation
Avoid another confrontation
You struggle. You struggle.
You struggle. You struggle.
Standing on tomorrow at the end of yesterday
In between the sorrow and elation of today
Caught up in the black and white
Why do you put up such a damn good fight
You struggle. you struggle.
You struggle. you struggle.

Some day/One day/Some day/One day/No more worry/No more pain/Some day/One day

Everything is by design
God's perfect tapestry
There's nothing you or I could do to stop your destiny
Everyday I'm praying for you
That's the way I show I sure do love you
You struggle you struggle





Praying for a rainy day to stay in bed inside.
Praying…

February14th, WHA?

I have one thing to say and I will say it loud.
Valentine's Day fucking sucks. You know why? If you're single, it just reminds you all damn day long that you don't have a valentine, a single boy in the world who would choose to shower you with attention opposed to any other female. Then if you're happily taken, why do you need a holiday just to celebrate that you love& care for each other? I mean, Come. On.

Riiidonkidonk.
BOO on today. Boo on the cliche idea of a single red velvet rose, boxes of chocolate [helllo 389128912 calories, and then the boyfriends will bitch when we start lookin NOT anorexic, and then we start to treadmill, lose boob fat and they bitch some more! *shakes head* Ohhh,boyfrans]. Boo on Hallmark holidays that require girls to threaten relationships if their sweetie doesn't surprise them with 10 lbs. of unnecessary shit?
Call me unusally far from a hopeless romantic, but you know, whatever.
JUSS SAYIN'

oh, cali. oh, sunshine. oh, StephenLCKristin.

I was standing in checkout at Safeway the other day, fantasizing personal reality of size 00 pants I assumed miss Longoria was struttin' in this USWeekly shot, and the typical of gossiping via verizon wireless, when this lady started making smalltalk with me. She asked me how the weather was 'down there' and I stared at her like an idiot. I was all whaaaaat, until she clarified south Cali, where I was obviously from, I mean wasn't I? I laughed. She apparently thought I flaunted a californian status, with my tan .. my natural blonde curls .. my laidback vibe? I DON'T EVEN KNOW, but I laughed and told her I was a born washingtonian.

Weird. But I got to thinking, and I came to realization: I can see myself one place in the world opposed to anyyywhere else. And that's Cali. You don't even know how much I crave it on a daily basis, I don't think it's healthy. I dream of sunshine and when the weather here delivers it, I about shit myself with happiness. Ahhh, the palm trees, the overboard of heat, the constant laying out and basking in the sun, real live SAND and ocean and sunglasses. Talk about opportunity of opening your linen closet and having more than two or three beach towels!! AH, hello Heaven. I get giddy thinking about Laguna/Huntington everywhere around there. Hence my reasoning behind pursuing a worthy spring break this year, and doing everything in my power to convince the parents to take their little princess to her paradise.

It's getting quite ridiculous actually. Maybe if I love it so much down there and it truly satisfies my unsatisfication of Seattle weather, I'll seduce a naive boy and sneak into his mansion so my parents can't bring me home. Yay! for courtney is brilliant.

that's all I had to say. Just the usual of confessin' my hate for my rainy hometown, and my passionate love for where I dream of living in a mere 3 yrs. NOW. Anyone up for a LB marathon? Lalalala, SUCHA GOOD MOOD (:

life is what you make of it.

You've heard it from your parents, you've heard it from the media, and guess what? You're gonna damn well hear it from me: Life is what you make of it, and it's as simple as that.
Quit bitchin' about your nonexistent social life when you can easily go out and make friends and go out on the town. Quit bitchin' about the lack of moola, when helllo, have you ever heard of jobs pay you.. ya know, money? Get off your lazy butt and get one. Quit bitchin' about being overweight and take a lap, tubby. Work it off, honey!! All people do is bitch these days, and in all honesty, I laugh. It's not that it entirely affects or bothers me, it just ignites me to think. You look at yourself in the mirror and are ashamed of what you've becomed over the years? Start to change. You miss the past? Visit those who defined it, and reminisce. You dream of going to UFC and makin' it big? Start off by actually working your ass off in school, and proving your future by your grades.
I could go on and on, but honestly, I'm in this wonderful mood, and I probably sound quite hypocritcal right now [I want to drive, but guess who seems to find everything else to waste her time with BESIDES hittin up the DMV? Hahahaha, "I lost the book, Momma."], but I'm in this with the world.
I blog to teach the world, but mostly myself a lesson.

Life lesson #38902001: Life has nowhere to lead when you choose it's not worth your time.

rawrawrawrrrrrrRRRR.

"Ever since we first came here, I knew I'd fall in love with the place. You know, I could never sick of it."

Home Sweet Home, I wanna go home.