"when it rains, it pours."
and it's really as simple as that when it all comes down to it. All this time I’ve been so scared of falling into the hole and not being able to escape that I managed to dig myself into a even deeper one than I could ever imagine without realizing it. I took a shot, and I failed. I took it for granted and gasped for a clean inhale of air and smoke filled my lungs, and I’m looking around it, wondering where it came from. Wondering where this all got started in the first place and how in the hell I didn’t stop it before now. But that’s just that, something I struggle with everyday of my life: as much as I fight and fight and fight to be in control, that’s not how we’re created, that’s not how He wants it. I had my life set and yet God looked down upon my outline and shook his head in approval, took the paper and threw it behind his shoulder as a huge smile came upon his face in admiration. Your efforts were cute, but oh naïve little Court, you have no idea what’s in store for you, you have no idea of the beauty and the potential ova life I have set in stone for your future. Leave it to Him and all will be determined, and this I am convinced of.
There comes a point in all our lives where life just kinda stops and we’re forced to surrender. And for me, that time is now. I picture my life and I see an image of vulnerability and weakness and desperate despair down on her knees in the middle of a concrete street surrounded by city lights and the never-stopping commotion of life, rain pouring down upon her bloody hands and her bloody face, disguising her tears and soaking up her pain, staining the white sundress hugging her drenched body and cutting her bare feet with every falling drop. Ashes a shade of black and corrupt lay surrounding her, and with her sorrow, are being washed away by the current of the flood, violently rushing into the gutters of the street. She is lost and she is afraid; her life has finally hit rock bottom and from here, there are no answers, there is no hope. What once seemed worthwhile and beautiful now seems destroyed and ruined, fallen to the ground and shattered into a million little pieces. On the verge of giving it all up in a moment in time, at the snap ova finger, I look up only to see a boy staring down from an apartment window above. He’s holding a candle in hand and is gently peering down at me, his gaze striking through me and delivering a message, sending me words and encouragement and reason with a single look. A boy of six or seven and yet it all comes together, clicks in the back of my mind and ina single second the puzzle pieces of my life are thrown together and this unexplainable feeling comes over me. An epiphany speaks its piece, and I know. This has all happened for a reason, they are all staying around in my life for a reason. A bigger picture we may not understand, and really, that may be half the fun of it in the long run: not knowing, not knowing a damn thing ever gonna be thrown at us before it is. This may very well be the definition of life. We fall down, whether we’re violently shoved to the ground or we do the shoving upon ourselves. We get dirty, we get messy, we get bruised and torn and fucked up in the lost and found. But once we’re down, and I’m talking once we’ve hit rock bottom, the lowest of the lowest, we have two choices: either to crawl to the nearest safety net we can come across [note: the tempting yet dangerous option] or ask to take on a battle, that battle being to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off a bit, transform our mistakes into lessons and start anew, start fresh.
My life is one big complicated mess but hell, it’s beautiful.
I am living in guilt and angst and this state of constant fear from day to day, and up until now, I was trying to run away. I awake every morning and unwillingly drag my unmotivated ass outta bed and yet after I’m up, I wonder if a reason remains as to the why behind it all. The why I jumped outta bed, the why I’m taking another shot at life yet again when I failed yesterday, the why I keep going day after day after day. Why am I here? What am I doing here? I’m convinced by now I came into this world for more than just to deliver a laugh here and there, to add to the population ova little redneck town in godknowswhere, Washington, to spice a few lives up here and there but have no significant impact on the world itself. I am here for something bigger.
Take your focus off the small world you’re stuck in, and alternate your perspective to the bigger picture. There’s so much out there and so much for us to experience, to learn and grow from, and yet we’re adamant on staying firmly planted in our comfort zone, where we’re warm and secure and sheltered. Why is this? Let us not fear the next step yet trust in the foundation of our future. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? So we may slip and fall, and stumble down a road of pain and hurt, an altogether undesirable pathway. I’ve been there multiple times in the past months, and so have you. So what are we so goddamn afraid of? I’ve made some mistakes in the past few weeks, and acknowledging my superior nature and strive for perfection, I feel disgusting admitting it. But perhaps this is how I know I’m growing up, just being able to randomly breakdown in the middle of my busy life and on a normal thursday night and accept that I’ve successfully turned my life into something I never imagined I would, or could for that matter. I’m living in manipulation and deceit and a whole lotta other shit that I don’t feel quite ready to face eye-to-eye at the moment, but soon enough I will. And yet I’ll get over it, because on the brightside, this is what life’s about. It’s about experimenting different pathways and seeing where they individually lead, making different decisions and having to face and deal with the consequences, willingly or not-so-willingly. This is life, and I plan on living it regardless of how messy it may be at times, and hell tell me tell ya, it can get pretty bad. Arising from our ashes and finding/creating an escape route amidst our pain and our suffering is the challenge we are thrown with one intention: to overcome. To prove our strength not to the world but only to ourselves, to grow and to learn, and to look back on it years down the road and reminisce on how it shaped us into the person we are at that moment. Just as happiness is not permanent, a burden does not last forever. We rise up, and we fall down - and vice versa. After all, what purpose would life hold if there were no highs and lows, no fears and epiphanies and ceremonies and moments of failure, justa flat line we can remember as we lay upon our deathbed? Life is here, and life is now. Meet it.
Posts
