It's been a long 89 weeks.

Well, if you fail then I’ll see this girl who took a real risk, you know, who left the world she was used to with great courage and she danced the dance, y’know? And if you fail I think there’s a real chance I’ll love you even more.
- BMW


I wanna fail and be told life will go on. I wanna be assured that even IF/WHEN I HIT ROCK BOTTOM in the end, I'll still be loved. No matter the mistake, love and acceptance will prove itself. Despite my flaws [the 38912001 annoying ones at that], those who care won't run from me, from my life.

I'm not perfect. Well, I've never tried to be. I've always survived life just perfectly on my imperfections alone. But lately I've been messing up more than normal. I mean, it's like a combination of losing myself and opening my heart that's triggering them. My independent streak is drowning and I want it back. I want that irresistable confidence I once had. I had the heart of rock, solid as hellllll, and wouldn't shatter for anything. ANYONE. I met someone and I'm trying to open my heart. I can't. Something's protecting it and I don't know if that's for the better or worse. Maybe it's a sign, but I try to reject it. I've never really been one to accept fate as it comes to me...

I wanna do this world good, I want to welcome kindness back into my life. Love for strangers. Random smiles throughout the day. I wanna scream Vanessa Carlton to my lonesome at 5 o'clock AM as I'm cakin' on the makeup. I wanna go to school in classy sundresses with this huge grin on my face and hot starbucks in hand on a 33* morning, like last year. Like 8th grade. I was happy and carefree and endearing. I flaunted charm and happiness and this powerfully good mood everywhere I step foot. I WAS SILLY. I didn't give a damnnn about what people thought of me when they viewed my life. That's changed. I wonder sometimes. I don't like to wonder.

Honestly, I don't know what happened.
I want her back. Most people probably do. I'm bitter and stubborn and I love to argue. WHY? I never asked for this. I excel at wasting moola and ruining my rep and plumeting my grades - hence do I have a future? I've been thinking about it a lot. The future, that is. I'm losing my sense of strongwill and passion and desire for anything in life. I want to care. I want to.


And I'm lost. I need someone to take my hand and lead me. I need guidance and a light unto my path. Prayers don't seem to be effective these days, and I'm slowly losing hope. I need to find motivation. A passion that will drive me. Launch me into a bright future, where I can forget the past. Some believe our pasts shape us, right? I'm guilty as well, but it doesn't define who we are, our potential. We're all greater than what we individually believe. We doubt ourselves too much, and from this comes the reason we fail in the end.

We fail to believe. We don't hear these words from anyone in our lives, so we lose faith. We fool ourselves making us believe we never have the ability, the strength. It can't be ME.
Newsflash, Sparky: People aren't gonna shower you with compliments and deliver you pep talks 24/7 the rest of your life. Gotta accept reality. It's called self-confidence, and having the passion to do whatever you want in life. Passion gets you far in life, and we all crave it from time to time.



I hate what growing up does to people. Me included. Me the highlight of the statement.







I guess I'm saying I'm sorry.
We stumble, we fall, we scrape our knees. And sure as hell we're gonna bleed. From the knee, from the heart, from the soul.

Forgive me. Don't accept me, but lead me.
We're in this together. Let's start over with our future in mind this time.
987654321Ready?