keep your held high, gorgeous.

foreverforevergoawaaaay.

sometimes I wonder why we're here. what's our purpose.
Alriiight, I feel like I know my indivudual purpose in life since I'm Christian. And don't get me wrong, I'm not tryin to shove religion down anyones throats or WHATEVZ.
I'm just curious. Why was the world created in the first place? Before God thought up this brilliant plan of creation and blahhhhhhetc. The world was dark and .. nonexistent?

I don't understand forever or the Beginning or the idea of any end, I mean how can there be an end when there was no definite beginning? "God's always been and always will be."
FOREVER, it's uncomprehendable. And frusterating.

And ah, I'm done for the day.
/Court's thoughts dowwwwwn the drain

oh, you disgust me ya little shit.

"Marathon runners talk about hitting 'the wall' at the twenty-third mile of the race. What rowers confront isn't a wall; it’s a hole - an abyss of pain, which opens up in the second minute of the race. Large needles are being driven into your thigh muscles, while your forearms seem to be splitting. Then the pain becomes confused and disorganized, not like the windedness of the runner or the leg burn of the biker but an all over, savage unpleasantness. As you pass the five hundred meter mark, with three-quarters of the race still to row, you realize with dread that you are not going to make it to the finish, but at the same time the idea of letting your teammates down by not rowing your hardest is unthinkable...Therefore, you are going to die. Welcome to this life."
Ashleigh Teitel

I think I might return home.

I've been digustingly homesick for quite some time now, and about 6 minutes ago I stumbled across realization: I miss my old life. The boathouse I spent 1/3 of my life at. 3hrs a day, 5 days a week. Stroke after stroke after run after run after rep after rep. Overnight regattas. The memories, the afterschool talks while balancing a steady rate. Screaming Hey There Its Delilah at 3am out on the lake when the surrounding population slept soundly, our fingers near frostbitten and minds insane, or nonexistent for that matter, and our hearts ... our hearts passionate.
The only thing that drove us practice through practice. Our drive, the passion was livin'. The erg tests foreshadowing death, oh we saw it. The times we felt like puking everything and anything we had left to our names off the side of the boat. After races, that feeling. I wonder to this day how a sport can be so intense. Sweating in 19 degree weather, now that's something to be said for. 5min into pushoff the dock, adrenaline dominating our bodies, our bodies moving faster than we thought possible. The rhythm. The seductive melody of eight bodies all singin' the same tune at once. Upinpushbackstrengthgogogooutturnupagain. I can't even explain it, but if you're a rower you know what I'm talking about. You know exactly what I'm referring to. It's irrisistable, and I'm just now finding that out. And have I failed to mention the regattas? HELLO BRENTWOOD. Beautiful/abnormally sunny Seattle. Those saturdays slaving over those damn oars. God I never fell out of love.

It's surreal. How can one even fall in love with a sport that demands so much effort? Requires so much time, so much passion, delivers so much pain? It's absurd, but it's undeniable.

I miss crew and I have about 5 days to decide if I want to return to my ex-lifestyle.
I suck at decisions, but convince me I need it. It built so much character, it taught me something in life that noONE can or ever could. It helped me find who I really am, and it pushed me far past my limits on a minute basis. And you're asking me why I wanna suffer through that much pain every single day for the next 238991 months? . . . Good question. Something just ignited in me today, and I realized that rowing is what I've been missing. Is what's at fault for my discomfort, my lonliness, my homesickness the past few months.







Ahhh, I miss you.

Sin makes the world go round.

Nun #1: Can you believe that?
Nun #2: Oh my god, no!



--34th & 6th, NY

save the world one grain of rice at a time.

http://www.freerice.com/index.php

when the going goes the lowest.

I love you girl, hang in there and stay strong. You're beautiful.

we're young, we have the world at our feet.

your life is just beginning, and its going to be beautiful.

hahahahhaha.

"What if Prince Charming had
never shown up? Would Snow White have laid in that glass box forever? Or would
she have gotten up, spit out the apple, gotten a job & a health care plan
& moved on with her life?"
-- Sex and the City

spontaneous thoughts, blahblahblah.

In the past few days, I've realized how afraid I was on showing my feelings to the people I love or simply am grateful to have in my life. I feel bad that honestly, sometimes I just fail at being expressive. I know what I want, I know what I feel, I know what I love, so WHY CAN I NOT SHOW IT? Perhaps it’s part of growing up - that it becomes awkward to show your emotions. Adults are taught not to be expressive because its a sign of weakness. I hate to adhere to that. People should learn to show how much they love a person before its too late, everyday is a chance we should take, don't let it pass because if you do you'll be stranded in the same place and you'll never be happy. Life is unpredictable is what they say and you just got to make the most out of it. Treasure the people you love and make them HAPPY just in case tomorrow never comes. I view everyday, this morning, yesterday morning, tomorrow morning, as a new chance to prove yourself and opportunity to strengthen relationships. Proactivity is key. Showing someone you’re absolutely crazy for them, much less care whatsoever, is vital. Why? Because one day, soon enough, we’re gonna lose that chance entirely. It’s a chance to be brave enough to show how much you love a person no matter how awkward it is.
Maybe you will feel weak. Maybe you will feel vulnerable. It’s a chance I’m willing to take.

graduation, time to face the world headon.

Distinguished guests, parents, and this year’s graduating class:

My best friend reminded me of a quote by William Shakespeare that seems appropriate.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound up in sorrows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves -- or lose our ventures.”

I think that what that quote means, is that life is short, and opportunities are rare. And we have to be vigilante in protecting them, and not only the opportunities to succeed, but the opportunity to laugh, to see the enchantment in the world, and to live. Because life doesn’t owe us anything, as a matter of fact, I think that we owe something to the world. And if we can just believe that- (laughs) I’m sorry. I have more, I just - think I’m having my baby.

dear today.

Oliver Wendell Holmes once said: "Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."





We always think tomorrow's another chance, a brand new shot at life. Opportunity to make up for lost time, or prospect that has potential to put the past in the past and simply live on. Face it, preparement is the anchor that ends up betraying us and sinking us at the final moment. We prepare our whole lives ... for life. And then when life has had the best of us, our clock sounds, our time's up, death overcomes life.

All that preparing wasn't worth anything if we never got the chance to live. To live what we had prepared. So answer me this: Why prepare? If in the long run, 'getting ready' is gonna waste our lives and steal our opportunity of actually breathing life, why do it?
Just gotta remember to live before you prepare. Save 'getting ready' for after you have lived, and by that time, you're past needing to.

it's a small world,ehish.

"The world is smaller than you think, and the people on it are more beautiful than you think." Bertram Van Munster

Do me a favor and ponder this.

Feeny, Feeeeeeny, MR. FEENY!

“I love you all … class dismissed.”


Lord am I currently obsessed with my BMW.

I suck at goodbyes.

I will never say goodbye to you, because if I say goodbye, then that's it. That's goodbye.


It's not goodbye, it's "See you later".
I will establish one thing to the entire world: NEVER say goodbye to me. It sounds like I'm retarded or something, right? "I mean, c'mon guys don't goo'bye me..." But surssllly. I get off the phone or analyze the conversation I just experienced with this longlost acquaintence I ran into one rainy Monday at Nordstorm, and I'll be like WHAT? Noooo, I did NOT just say bye! Ahhh Courtney, why? You are so hypocritical. It's like goodbye gives one the freedom to never speak to the person they goodbyed. Ever again. Ever ever ever ever never ever, and I damn well hate that feeling. "See ya later, Punkin." That's like, enforcement and assurance you're GONNA talk with that person again. Sometime in your lifetime.




And now I'm laughing at myself because I sound like I belong in a mental institution.
Oh, Court.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhboy.

unanswered questions.

"Why is there a rainbow following a storm?
Why do we always give in so easily?
Why are we so weak when it comes to love, but so strong when it comes to battle?
Why do we try so hard?
Who are we trying to impress?
Why is it so hard to quit?
Why do we focus so much on our appearance when we know one day we'll be judged on our beliefs?
Why are we so scared of having our hearts get broken?
Why do we think we are here in this world for ourselves?
Why do we see things that need to be changed in the world, and then do nothing about it?
Why do we have so little faith?
Why is it easier said than done?
Why are we so afraid to be different than others?
Why do we put ourselves before others?
Why are diamonds more valuable than smiles?
Why is it that the best things in life are free?
Why is money such an object in our society?
Why are our shadows bigger than our own bodies?
Why do we walk when we can run instead?
Why do we find love when we're not looking for it?
Why is life so hard... but so worth it?
Why is there such thing as fear?
How did we grow up so fast?
Why does time move so fast?
Why do we try to fight fate?
Is luck a such thing? Or just...miracles?
Why do we fear change?
Why is our journey cut so short?
Why do tears make us stronger?
Why are we stubborn?
Why is it so hard to sacrifice?
Why do we try to fit in?
Why are we so money-obsessed when we know one day, none of it will matter?
How did we start?
How is our journey going to end up?
Why do we make people believe we're so strong on the inside?
Why do we put things off so much?
Why do we put up such a fight?
Why don't we live life the very best we can when we know our life is limited?"








why?

what we weren't taught in kindergarten.

love until your hands bleed.


I'm changing. I'm trying this new thing where I'm trying to be selfless. Good deeds, smiling at strangers. Putting on a smile and getting my daily caffeine so the world will no longer have to put up with my bad moods every other day. Kindness is key and it shouldn't be a sign of weakness. I have a natural overpowering bitch edge to my personality, but genes don't define us.

Character does.
And we should have a say in who we're growing up to be.

love. it's as simple as that. love strangers, love friends, love the boy, love the parents, love goodness.

lalalala la LA la

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but don't worry, you will someday."

- American Beauty

Wake up and live.

I'm writing this to myself, I'm writing this to you, I'm writing this to the world. Sitting in "Idontgetit,buthelltextinganddaydreamingseemslikeagoodalternativetome" 5th period, I got to thinking. And if you know me, you know that I don't just slightly ponder about life. I'm someone who cuts deep into the weirdest thoughts imaginable and pounds 'em down, analyzing all possibilities, everything. As I was indulging myself in deep thought in the cloudy weather...

It just kinda hit me. This is it. This is life, I mean. We always think life's gonna start after we pass that test, after we get that guy, after we survive the week and rep the weekend. Keyword? AFTER. Life's not gonna begin when we want it to. Hellllllo 411, it already has. Welcome to reality, sweetheart.

For a long time it felt like I was waiting for life to begin. There always seemed to be an obstacle in the middle of my pathway. "Unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid."
Today it dawned on me these series of obstacles and "shit, I'm screwed"s are life. This is life. I'm not saying this is the best it's gonna get. If that was the case, we'd all have lost hope by now. But THIS IS IT. We all plan on having a better day tomorrow, finishing what needs to be finished later, following through with things we don't want to do . . . later. Not right now.


Do me a favor and stop waiting. Stop waiting for Friday night to come, for you to lose ten pounds, for summer. Life's NOT gonna be perfect when you've finally motivated yourself to lose weight. Sure it make be all "damnnn thats hot" at first, but Come. On. Get a grip and realize something:


There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Bring OJ in a thermos to school. Get kinky in the afternoon. Go skinnydipping at midnight by yourself. Dance to some Bob Marley, take a Portland weekend roadtrip, live a little. Waste your time with people you want to spend it with. There's nothing better than wasting life away on company you don't even enjoy.

Realize this. Seconds are wasting away as we speak. Time's drowning and we're 5 minutes closer to death than we were 5 minutes ago. Don't get depressed over this thought, but instead let it act as motivation. Motivation to live. To go out and actually persue your life for a change.
Life is not starting tomorrow. Later. It's already began, I would suggest you go out





and live it.

It's been a long 89 weeks.

Well, if you fail then I’ll see this girl who took a real risk, you know, who left the world she was used to with great courage and she danced the dance, y’know? And if you fail I think there’s a real chance I’ll love you even more.
- BMW


I wanna fail and be told life will go on. I wanna be assured that even IF/WHEN I HIT ROCK BOTTOM in the end, I'll still be loved. No matter the mistake, love and acceptance will prove itself. Despite my flaws [the 38912001 annoying ones at that], those who care won't run from me, from my life.

I'm not perfect. Well, I've never tried to be. I've always survived life just perfectly on my imperfections alone. But lately I've been messing up more than normal. I mean, it's like a combination of losing myself and opening my heart that's triggering them. My independent streak is drowning and I want it back. I want that irresistable confidence I once had. I had the heart of rock, solid as hellllll, and wouldn't shatter for anything. ANYONE. I met someone and I'm trying to open my heart. I can't. Something's protecting it and I don't know if that's for the better or worse. Maybe it's a sign, but I try to reject it. I've never really been one to accept fate as it comes to me...

I wanna do this world good, I want to welcome kindness back into my life. Love for strangers. Random smiles throughout the day. I wanna scream Vanessa Carlton to my lonesome at 5 o'clock AM as I'm cakin' on the makeup. I wanna go to school in classy sundresses with this huge grin on my face and hot starbucks in hand on a 33* morning, like last year. Like 8th grade. I was happy and carefree and endearing. I flaunted charm and happiness and this powerfully good mood everywhere I step foot. I WAS SILLY. I didn't give a damnnn about what people thought of me when they viewed my life. That's changed. I wonder sometimes. I don't like to wonder.

Honestly, I don't know what happened.
I want her back. Most people probably do. I'm bitter and stubborn and I love to argue. WHY? I never asked for this. I excel at wasting moola and ruining my rep and plumeting my grades - hence do I have a future? I've been thinking about it a lot. The future, that is. I'm losing my sense of strongwill and passion and desire for anything in life. I want to care. I want to.


And I'm lost. I need someone to take my hand and lead me. I need guidance and a light unto my path. Prayers don't seem to be effective these days, and I'm slowly losing hope. I need to find motivation. A passion that will drive me. Launch me into a bright future, where I can forget the past. Some believe our pasts shape us, right? I'm guilty as well, but it doesn't define who we are, our potential. We're all greater than what we individually believe. We doubt ourselves too much, and from this comes the reason we fail in the end.

We fail to believe. We don't hear these words from anyone in our lives, so we lose faith. We fool ourselves making us believe we never have the ability, the strength. It can't be ME.
Newsflash, Sparky: People aren't gonna shower you with compliments and deliver you pep talks 24/7 the rest of your life. Gotta accept reality. It's called self-confidence, and having the passion to do whatever you want in life. Passion gets you far in life, and we all crave it from time to time.



I hate what growing up does to people. Me included. Me the highlight of the statement.







I guess I'm saying I'm sorry.
We stumble, we fall, we scrape our knees. And sure as hell we're gonna bleed. From the knee, from the heart, from the soul.

Forgive me. Don't accept me, but lead me.
We're in this together. Let's start over with our future in mind this time.
987654321Ready?

Hello, wonduhfulll.

"Let's destroy each other. 'Cause we're too cool for love lines, soft kisses over cheap wine. Smoke me baby like your last cigarette, whisper to me, say you'll never forget. Could you break my heart a little more? Shove my body up against yours & kiss me like you mean it? Anything worth a taste burns as it goes down. Could you tell me I'm so Audrey Hepburn when my hair falls to the side? & say girl, I'm not here to love you tender, I'm just here for the ride. Let's blind ourselves by love & be deaf to all who say it's fatal. It's not that we don't know, its just that we don't care..."


Hm. Wonder if reality could ever compare.